Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)
JACK FROST 2
WRITER & DIRECTOR: Michael Cooney
STARRING: Christopher Allport as Sam Tiler
Eileen Seeley as Anne Tiler
Chip Heller as Joe
Marsha Clark as Marla
Ray Cooney as the Colonel
David Allen Brooks as Agent Manners
Sean Patrick Murphy as Captain Fun
Tai Bennet as Bobby
Jennifer Lyons as Rose
Shonda Farr as Ashlea
Granger Green as Paisley
Ian Abercrombie as Doctor
Scott MacDonald as the voice of Jack Frost
QUICK CUT: After suffering a nervous breakdown following the events of the first Jack Frost movie, Sheriff Sam Tiler tries to get away from Snowmonton for the holidays, but while vacationing in the tropics for Christmas he learns the hard way that you can't escape the wrath of Jack Frost.
THE MORGUE:
Sam Tiler - Our sheriff and hero from the first movie. He's been turned into a literal nervous wreck this time around, and just wants to forget everything from the last movie. And so do I, so we're suffering together.
Jack Frost - The mutant killer snowman. What more is there to say? He's looking for revenge, and follows Sam to the tropics, the perfect place for a snowman to wreak havoc, right?
Agent Manners - A familiar face from the first movie, but with a different face. He's a little insane, and just as screwed up by the events of the first movie as the sheriff is.
Ann Tiler - Sam's wife, who just wants to forget last year as well, and wants her husband to be normal. She might get what she wants for Christmas.
Joe and Marla - Sam's brother and soon to be in-law. They dragged Sam to the island to get married, and to put Snowmonton behind them for Christmas. They doubt Sam to insane levels, to the point of stupidity.
The Colonel and Bobby - The owner of the island resort, and the bartender. One is willing to brush everything under the rug to have a perfect resort without incident, the other is calm, cool, and goes along with anything, as long as there is no blood.
Captain Fun - My worst nightmare. The fun director of the resort, and constantly annoying. Way too happy for his own good, even in the face of a Christmas massacre.
Rose, Ashlea, and Paisley - The movie's triple threat attempt to roll the dice and have another Shannon Elizabeth style skyrocketing to success. Yeah, it didn't work.
THE GUTS: Here we go-ho-ho again...
Jack Frost 2: Electric Boogaloo starts up with Sheriff Sam Tiler talking to a psychiatrist to recap the first movie, which is fair enough. But he is a really shitty psychiatrist as he belittles his patient, lets all the people outside listen in and laugh at Sam over an open phone line, and when Sam hears the laughter, he just brushes it aside. The unprofessionalism really bothers me. Yes, it's for laughs, but Sam is sitting in a serious moment, and the rest of them are for comedic effect.
Sure, Sam is telling the story of a killer reanimated as a psychotic snowman, but to do that to him? In front of him? Really sets me off. But Chris Allport still manages to put some level of gravity to saying things like 'mutant killer snowman' which is no small feat. He deserved to be in better movies than this.
Pixelicious!
While the credits roll, we see two people digging up the unmarked grave Jack's antifreezed remains are buried in. Well, we see their feet, and hear their voices. I doubt one goes with the other. Oh, and once the one guy has the antifreeze, he kills the guy that brought him there. It's totally off screen and a death only in gunshot. I'm not counting it as the first death, since it's offscreen. But it's four minutes in, if you're curious.
We then get treated to a montage of sciency people doing sciency stuff with science to try and get Jack from the antifreeze. There's a lot of test tubes, coloured liquids, and microscopes, but I don't think they're really doing anything. SCIENCE!
I knew this movie was full of fail.
The scientists, and I use that term very loosely, have poured Jack's remains into an aquarium for no particular reason, hung it from a bunch of chains for no particular reason, and one of them left a mug of something sitting atop the tank in a most precarious position for no particular reason once they give up for the night. Cue the klutzy janitor to back into the swinging tank and dump the mug into the antifreeze. Which somehow accomplishes what the scientists couldn't do with science.
Why do I fear this will be the least nonsensical moment of the movie?
Then it's the attack of the bad CGI as we watch cheesy crystals reform. At least the first movie had a sense of reality to a similar scene. The tank freezes, then explodes, and a shard of glass, which is somehow suddenly not snowed over, buries itself in the janitor's mouth. Well, that's gratitude for ya.
Fetch, boy!
Jack melts himself down and heads down the drain to seek revenge. I just had a nasty clog in my own drains, and I can understand wanting to get revenge on those things myself.
Back in the little town of Snowmonton, which somehow ranks having an international airport, we see Sam and his wife about to take a vacation and be far away on the one year anniversary of Jack's rampage. They're heading to some island with Sam's cannon fodder, er brother and fiance for their wedding.
Because a mutant killer snowman on a tropical island makes perfect sense.
On said island, we see a girl in a bikini, and that's probably the entire reason we came to the tropics right there; boobs. Hard to show skin in a wintry town, right? They tried hard to get Shannon Elizabeth to disrobe in the first movie, when she spent most of it in big, bulky jackets.
But this time they came to a sunny island, and it looks like someone ordered a bunch of porn stars as an entire truckload pulls up and lets them out to be shown around the resort. I think I've hit upon the reason right there. Seriously, there's not a single guy in the bunch.
We are treated to the most heavy-handed character introductions I have ever seen, as the head of the resort literally reads off character names for every person who gets off the truck. Which could have been no worse than a simple checklist. It would have been forced, but workable. But then he adds their motivations. When someone stands there and tells someone else that three girls are there spending their first vacation away from their parents, looking for adventure but will find the true meaning of friendship? I...ow.
Our leads get off the back of the truck, and there's still more people in there, but the Colonel no longer cares because they're not important to the story.
Man, Lost season seven sucks.
Because the movie doesn't yet have enough characters to executional, we meet two morons floating in a raft. By their overly repetitous dialogue, I can guess they hit rocks, and are lost. They're also hungry, but only have a carrot.
Horror movies always fail when I'm rooting for people to die because they annoy me.
They fight over the carrot, and one of them gets thrown overboard, meeting his doom at the hands of Jack, who is somehow able to keep cohesion in the vastness of the ocean. But if I start thinking of logic here, this is going to be a very long movie.
Jack stabs an icicle through the raft and the other guy, and...wait. He somehow stumbled upon two guys that just so happen to be marooned at sea AND have a carrot, all so he could get a nose? Does anyone else think he spent the past week killing people over and over hoping someone was eating healthy enough to get a carrot? Is he now going to hunt down someone with precisely two pieces of coal?
My brain already hurts, we're only 13 minutes in.
The carrot washes up on shore, talks, and moves...um...because Jack is shifting the water droplets on it, I guess? I don't know.
Barkeep Bob introduces the three girls to a couple of bad boys, and the movie shows us just how intelligent they are by the extent of their witty banter being, "Heeey." Again with making me wish they were dead.
Sam's off being a sad sack in the corner, remembering Jack's final words, until he's interrupted by another resort staffer, the overly cheery Captain Fun. He even echoes his own name. Shove a carrot in his ass, quick. He even acts as his own sidekick, Activity Boy. Oh what a sad life this man leads.
You can't make this stuff up.
As if it couldn't get any worse, it's karaoke time. And piss poor karaoke at that. They're just singing, without any sort of stage or accompanying music. Me singing to a cd is more karaoke than this. Fortunately, Jack is just as unimpressed as I am.
As the carrot watches the three girls around a fire (Don't ask how!) they talk about the two meatheads they met. Ashlea sees the fire is going out, and goes off to get charcoal and Jack foll...oh you have got to be kidding me. I WAS JOKING about him stumbling upon coal!!
The girl finds a line of charcoal like a border in the sand, and steals some pieces while Jack tries and fails to kill her with icicles. In the tropics. He fails because he misses her, not because they melt.
Jack finally gets sick of trying to stab her and drops a giant anivl on her. Made of snow. In the tropics.
The best thing? This will confuse the police in about 30 seconds.
Paisley notices Ashlea is missing and goes looking for her. She finds the giant snow anivl and doesn't seem all that shocked by something made out of snow in 90 degree weather. She backs up and steps right on more icicles that pierce her foot, cause her to cry out in minor inconvenience, and fall backwards onto more ice spikes.
So that just leaves the blonde, who gets taunted by Jack's voice and spins around with the camera, making me seasick.
Jack finally forms up a snowman arm (In the tropics) and grabs the tongs Rose was using to defend herself, and jabs them right into the girl's eyes. Ok, that's pretty darned cool. If absurd. But absurd is the order of the day here.
The next day, Sam gets woken up by Captain Annoying when he jumps into bed with Sam and his wife. He might just end up dead from the sheriff. I know I'd be tempted.
Bob and the Colonel are working on the breakfast buffet until they hear a scream, and runs off while Bob stays behind saying you don't run towards the screaming. Bob is now the smartest person in this film.
When the colonel finds the source of the scream, the people there seem oddly calm. It looks more like they're out for a stroll and not standing next to a pile of smooshed human remains.
Bob's not far behind, and the Colonel tells him to get the head of island security. AKA, Manners. AKA, the Scary Dude. But wait, Scary Dude is already here! He says so and...Bwahaha. He's wearing an eyepatch and his arrival comes with the dramatic chipmunk musical sting. Ok, not quite, but damned close.
Scary Dude tells them these are murders, but the Colonel insists they're just a shark attack. That is, until Scary Dude holds up the tongs and shows Rose's eyeballs right to the camera.
The movie is watching me, aaahhh!!
Sam wanders by and the three stooges try and get Sam off the case by each of them blaming the corpses on something different, which ends up coming out as a muderous coconut shark. Get Syfy on it, I would actually watch that movie.
The sheriff recognises the name Manners, but since his face was ruined by Jack in the first movie and surgery made him look like David Allen Brooks with a pirate fetish, he doesn't recognise him right away. Scary Dude tries to act like he doesn't know anything about Snowmonton, but that doesn't last long and he rants about last year's massacre when only Sam is paying attention.
Now see, Scary Dude has the right idea, since he moved to an island that never gets any snow, and thus no snowmen. That makes sense. And the movie just pointed out the single biggest flaw of its entire premise.
The three stooges go to call for some help with their coconut shark attack, but the phone line has been cut, and Jack is hiding as a snowglobe? I am endlessly amazed at every time I think this movie makes no sense, it finds ways to make even less.
Next they check the satellite to try and get messages out that way, but Jack has flooded the junction box, making the island unable to communicate until things are fixed.
Back with some other potential victims, there's a photoshoot going on, and they're being watched by Jack, who climbed out of his snowglobe. The cameraman is disappointed that the bimbo he's photographing has lost her nipply excitement, so goes to get some more ice so he can get the photos he wants. Considering what I can see on screen, I don't know what his problem is, but I guess I can let that slide.
Jack possesses some ice and gets his rocks off while the model attends to her little problem. He might just let her live if she does a good enough job, I think.
At least, until she tosses him away like every other man in her life. He vows revenge, and she makes the mistake of ordering an iced coffee. We're treated to a lengthy shot of her lips as she seductively plays with an ice cube and Jack rambles on about forgiving her, until she chomps down on him. It's just a roller coaster of emotions, this love thing.
Jack has had enough, so he explodes her head from inside. Yes, it's death by iced coffee. He then attacks the photographer, and we see polaroids, which make no sense for the camera being used, as Jack's snowy body wreaks havoc upon the poor guy. In the tropics.
Best vacation slides ever.
On the archery range, Sam gets a cold feeling, and the whole family tries to get him to understand that life goes on, and Jack is gone. Now, if they all know about Jack, some of them were definitely there, why would they send him to a psychologist? Yes, he's depressed and shell shocked, but once the therapist started laughing at him, you would think they could at least vouche for him.
But anyways, Scary Dude comes out of nowhere and tells Sam to meet him elsewhere in...why is Patchy wearing sunglasses? No, that doesn't look absurdly awkward at all.
Scary Dude is very obvious and not hard to miss, so when he says not to act strangely, people may be watching, well...yeah, they probably are, you freak. Not to mention saying the walls have ears while you're outside. And his only reason for meeting later is because he has to pee. Which again requires his musical sting, that I'll admit is getting funnier each time they do it.
Why am I wearing my sunglasses at night? Wait, my patch is on the wrong eye.
In reception, Scary Dude tells Sam that things aren't a coconut shark attack. We also learn that Captain Fun is in on it, which just means he'll be further ingratiated into the actual plot. Oh rapture.
Captain Fun's plan is the same plan he always has. He only has the one plan. Throw a costume party and get everyone drunk. He hopes it will draw the killer out, but I'm not quite sure how? Will he think people are too drunk to notice him?
So Sam hears Jack and chases after someone that looks snowmanesque. Which means the plan maybe worked, but not for any of Captain Fun's supposed reasons. Jack showed up to taunt Sam, not because he was lured into a false sense of security when no one's watching. Because everyone is watching. I wish I wasn't...
Hippie and the Spy, this fall on ABC.
It should be a surprise to no one that once Sam cracks the snowman over the head, it's just the Colonel in disguise. He chides the violence brigade for recklessly endangering people, but Sam knows he saw Jack's carrot nose. But no one believes him. Why? He's not crazy! His wife knows he's not crazy! If they had never seen Jack Frost before, I can understand doubting him, but he's not crazy! Mutant killer snowmen are real, I tells ya!
Yes, they think Jack is buried, but why would they not give him the benefit of the doubt? They literally know Sam is absolutely NOT crazy. At least on the subject of murderous snowmen.
Now, sometimes a carrot is just a carrot, but it's at least worth looking into, especially with a number of strange, grisly murders that are most definitely not caused by coconut sharks.
That night, while everyone sleeps, another pinup model heads to the pool and decides the movie needs even more boobs, so strips off her bikini and dives in. Hmm, what could possibly go wrong?
Yep, Jack shows up and freezes the top of the pool so the naked girl can't get out, and we finally get to see the psycho snowman. He's also grabbed the scarf that the other pinup girl was wearing just before her head exploded. Because his entire look has to be made up of convenience bolts.
Jack's back, baby!
After Jack's lamest kill ever, he grabs a beer that the cap magically pops off of. Actually, you can see the cap isn't even on before Jack gets there. He then chills the beer, which will only make the bottles of piss water taste better.
Somehow, Jack sends waves of cold out across the island, snow appearing everywhere, and a girl freezing almost instantly. I think his powers just became too godlike and all encompassing.
Jack tucks the shivering sheriff into bed, but then Sam realises there isn't any air conditioning in their room. He groggily stumbles towards the bathroom and notices the island has become a winter wonderland. Is this how Dharma Island got its polar bears?
Sam and his wife get beaned by snowballs, which freaks them out, understandably so. Every other resort patron thinks it is awesome and NOT AT ALL WEIRD that they're in the middle of a blizzard. In the tropics! And have started a snowball fight.
They even try and brush it off with some historical weather oddities. Fair enough, but Sam's argument is very reasonable. But no, just because it's a blzzard, there's dead bodies piling up, and there's carrots missing, no one thinks to maybe give the guy a chance. Especially the people who know killer snowmen are real.
Our two meatheads from earlier continue to show their mental prowess by coming across a metal pole that's been frozen by Jack. They have the brilliant idea of sticking their tongues to the pole and pouring their warm beers down the pole so they get cold again. You know what? Fuck 'em. These guys get what they deserve.
Fortunately, Jack shows up once one of them has been an idiot and actually licks the pole. Jack helps him out by tearing his tongue right out. No tongue, no problem! He's not stuck anymore, is he?
Once that is done, Jack shows up to the snowball fight, and somehow manages to take an arm off of a guy with just snow. Um... If they wanted to really pull that off, they could have gone for an awesome Phantasm homage and had Jack using snowballs like the metal spheres. But that would be kinda clever, so not in this movie!
You got some red on you.
As more people start falling dead and screaming, Sam looks back out and watches bodies start to get bloody, and blurts out the most hilariously inappropriate line in a movie ever. "It's another holly, jolly Christmas." Said with all the seriousness it should not be said with.
Spikes and balls are flying everywhere, people are dying, and it is a glorious Christmas massacre. The sheer body count in such a short amount of time is a little bit awesome.
Sam sees a snowman and goes after it, and even with all the screaming, even with all the blood, even with the bodies piling up like cord wood, people STILL DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. For Frank's sake.
The sheriff pulls a vial out from around his neck, saying it is concentrated antifreeze, which is terribly meaningless, isn't it? Might have been nice to build that up. At least this isn't the climax, and Sam wastes his magic potion on an actual snowman. It won't help his case any, but at least there's no magical macguffin to be pulled out of nowhere.
Since the concentrated antifreeze does nothing to a regular snowman, wouldn't it have been useless on Jack, too? He's a stronger entity, and colder, and more of an active spirit behind it. But the regular snowman just stands there and takes it. Wouldn't it have gone puddly if it should work on Jack? Am I thinking too much about this?
Do you believe me now??
Jack actually does show up, but just as he's about to smack Sam around, Scary Dude arrives and the snowman melts out of there. And hey, Sam's family finally starts believing him. Barely.
They still say it can't be Jack. No, it's some OTHER murderous snowman that is animated and able to melt. The best part is when the movie itself points that out to Jack's disbelieving sister in law. They ask how Sam knew, and I dunno, he had his eyes open? Sam says they must share a connection, but then again, he's a sheriff, and a trained law enforcement official. One of those.
Sam raids his bags and pulls out antifreeze, caulking, and tons of other stuff. He brought an anti-Jack bag with him, all set to seal himself away in case of attack, or melt the snowman. That's either crazy or overly prepared.
Agent Manners and Sam decide to go out and take care of Jack. Scary Dude takes a water gun, cocks it, and finally allows himself to be called Agent Manners. Again with the musical sting. I got nothin' folks.
While the dynamic duo stalk around with waterguns, Sam's family continue to wonder how Sam could possibly know Jack was there. Sigh. They postulate that since Sam was wounded and bled into the antifreeze, they now share some bond and DNA. Makes as much sense as anything else in this movie!
The two cops hear some noises and find the rest of the resort staff, and a barrage of pans thrown at their heads. Sam tells them about Jack Frost, and at least they believe him. Must be nice to be taken seriously, eh Sam?
Sam tells them about the antifreeze weakness, but Captain Annoying points out they're on a tropical island. Yeah, I've been pointing that out for the past hour, it won't do any good. At least Bartender Bobby remembers that's also coolant, and they've got plenty of that.
They start shoveling out the fountain as a pool for Jack, but Captain Distracting wants to make snow angels first. Can we please kill him already? Use a shovel, I'm ok with it.
After covering up the fountain with a sheet and potato flakes, because that doesn't look suspicious at all, they realise they need bait. They all look to the black guy, but he pretty much tells them to screw off. Sam's more than willing anyways. Scary Dude and his music say they've got Sam's back, to boot.
Screw you guys! I didn't die first, and I am gonna be the first brother to survive a horror movie!
Everyone waits for Jack to show up, and the Colonel asks why they don't just serve up Sam on a silver platter, if that's what Jack wants? If that was all Jack wanted, there wouldn't be a dozen other dead bodies, maybe.
Jack turns up behind Sam at the fountain, and the pair face off. And since the movie hasn't done anything to build up a sense of dread with the snowman, what should be a tense, pivotal moment just looks silly. Neon waterguns not helping.
This resort ain't big enough for the both of us.
Sam tricks the snowman into the fountain, and he promptly melts away. Yay! The movie's done with 25 minutes left on the runtime! That means we party for 25 minutes, right?
No?
Damnit...Jack seems to be immune to antifreeze now. Turns out all that Science! at the start of the movie upgraded Jack. Thanks a lot, science. Why don't you just go away? What good are you?
Jack escapes after hacking up a snowball and his half-assed explanation, and everyone runs and hides, with Sam panicking over the antifreeze not working.
Joe and his wife scoop up the snowbarf and poke at it, which turns out to be about as intelligent as you might think.
They stare at the snowbarf and wait for it to melt, but it doesn't seem to want to do that. Fifteen minutes later, they're still waiting, and the damned thing is glowing like Chernobyl. That worries me more than not melting.
Joe says they should get rid of it, but they say it's just a snowball. Just a snowball that hasn't melted for 20 minutes. Did they drain their intelligence before coming to this island? Once the thing starts moving though, you would think they'd huff it out the door rather than continue to stare at it, no?
The snowbarf hatches into an adorable little ball of fluff. It takes a shine to Captain Dada, and when it speaks, they just find it so adorable...until it says kill dada, and stabs him through the eye with a spike. Finally. Thank you, movie.
We then get the treat of watching everyone run around panicked from a rolling snowball. Because that's not an absurd thing to see. In the tropics.
Anne finally manages to catch it in a blender and slams it onto puree.
Will it blend?
The answer is yes, but then it pulls itself back together. And it enjoys the spin. Everyone has more ideas to try, and at least they're enjoying themselves.
Meanwhile, Agent Scary Dude is stalking Jack outside, with a laser sight taped to his watergun. Which puts him ahead of Doom 3.
He heads into the equipment shed, and when he turns on the light, Scary Dude gets scared by the multitude of snowbabies surrounding him.
It's like "The Birds" but shittier.
The rest of the gang warn Manners five minutes too late, and as Scary Dude tries to back out of the room, instead of grabbing the door handle, a snowbaby bites his fingers off. So, I guess in Jack Frost 3, he'll have an eyepatch, and a hook for a hand. He will be Pirate Manners.
And I'm sorry, I just can't take any guy screaming covered in plush snowballs with eyes seriously, no matter how much blood you pour on him.
So he dies, maybe, with blood splattering around, and pouring out from under the walls of the shed. And all to his musical sting. *sniff* I shall miss you, musical sting.
Meanwhile, back in Snowball Torture Labs, they've broken out the waffle iron.
Damnit, you keep the talking food in the fridge where it belongs!
They start gathering up any containers they can use to trap the snowbabies in, which makes me wonder why they don't just spike out of them, but...whatever. Sam's wife is decked out in pot and pan armour, Joe got the leftovers, and the Colonel found his uniform. Because the movie just wasn't silly enough already.
Meanwhile, the snowbabies are partying in the bar, swinging around, getting drunk, and anything else wacky you can think of.
We've very quickly become Gremlins with snowballs, people. The conga line is particularly terrifying.
Oh please, eat the poisonous part.
Sam's still catatonic and babbling about antifreeze, remembering better movies...and I can't believe I am fondly remembering the original Jack Frost.
Joe finds a snowbaby lurking in a Christmas tree, and scrambles to find a socket to plug his vaccuum cleaner in. Which kinda shows how dumb of a weapon choice that was, huh?
The Colonel slinks through the frozen bambo forest, in the tropics, and comes across a sleeping snowbaby. Why sleeping? It's snow...I give up.
As he's about to capture the little blighter, he notices the army of snowbabies around him and makes a break for it, as they hurl themselves like hand grenades at his retreating ass.
Finally, Sam's wife stumbles across a girl in the bar, gets assaulted by a dozen ballbabies, and suddenly a ton of people spring up out of nowhere. Where did they come from? Thanks for coherent storytelling, movie.
Anne dumps something from a cocktail shaker onto one of the balls, and he goes splooch. She hurries back to Bartender Bobby and asks him what is in it. Besides blood. He lists off the ingredients, and...
Oh, this is rich. One of the ingredients? Bananas. And since Sam is allergic to them, set up earlier in the film, and Sam and Jack swapped DNA, that means Jack is now allergic.
My mind is officially blown.
They actually set it up. That is brilliantly insane, and so off the wall...I just...Bwah.
If you ever wanted to see a montage of yellow goo covered snowballs exploding into bloody bits, the next few minutes are for you, because the movie does just that. I notice we have all but forgotten the actual Jack for like, the last 20 minutes of movie. Nice to completely lose the plot.
He does at least show up to scoop up one of his wayward sons, but I do briefly wonder if he wouldn't then get banana sludge on him and have the same problem, but why bother logic at this point?
Oddly enough, this is Jack at his most tender. Which is creepy. No wait, that's a giant mutant snowman caring for his spherical, barfed up offspring. Which I still don't get how they were made.
Snow...flake...
Oh, no movie. No no no. You do not get to make Jack cry. He's a killer snowman. He has no soul. In so many ways. And the snowbabies are just pieces of him. I will not sympathise with the murderer and his murderous psuedo offsrping!
Jack takes the death of his kid pretty hard, and declares that now it's killing time. Now. NOW is killing time. What the hell do you call the last 45 minutes? A party at the beach?? Oh, wait...
The Colonel tries to think of how to keep business going after the massacre, but his ideas get cut short with a spike out of his mouth, courtesy of Jack. Bartender Bob lasted impressively long as well, but it's time to end him as the movie inches towards a conclusion.
Joe's fiance notices the time on a severed hand's watch, and realises it's their wedding day. That tender moment gets cut short too, thanks to Jack pronouncing them absolutely f'ing dead. They sadly escape into the safety of the freezer.
Jack corners Sam's wife, and wants revenge for his dead children. He seals her up in a frozen box of his own body, and protrudes spikes inside, giving her less and less room to manuever.
He then changes back to normal, and wait, does that kill her? Shouldn't she be spiked, or squished, or something? As he moves, wouldn't she be mangled?
Ain't I a stinker?
Sam finally comes back into play, and fires an arrow with a banana right into Jack's chest. Well, if his wife was alive in there, she's screwed now. Good going, Sam. You blew up the snowman, and stabbed your wife in the face! He deserves the bloody, exploded snowman guts. Wait, where's the blood been coming from all movie long? Snow is water! Jack is water!
Sam digs frantically through the foam for his wife, and she sticks her hand out of the muck. I call foul. She was nearly spiked, squished into a snowman with the spikes, shot with an arrow, and exploded. There ain't no coming back!
At the very least, she should have an arrow wound. I demand at least that much! I'd forgive the rest.
Snowkakke!
That would have been a fine place to end the movie, Sam and his wife going off into the sunest, declaring their hatred of Christmas and travelling, but the movie has one more stab.
During the credits, to add one last bit of offense, we see a pair of very Japanese men, with requisite bad dubbing and bad accents on a tanker. Seriously, the accents are ones that went away in the 50s. Wow. Just wow. They scream Godzilla, and a giant sized carrot crushes the tanker.
Ignoring the highly offensive accents, Jack can't grow carrots, so how did that happen? But really, the very stereotypical moment is just bad.
And there's one last scene after the credits of the freezer door, where Joe and Marla are still trapped. Good. That's what they get for doubting Sam, despite ever increasing evidence.
AUTOPSY REPORT
Video: It's iffy, but considering it's a no budget, shot on video movie, it looks ok, and has a decent transfrer. The colours are bright and sharp. The blood really pops. And so does Ashlea when she gets anviled. Bam!
Audio: I actually like the audio mix of this movie. I think it's 5.1, but whatever, there's a good blend of sound all around, and really encompasses the listener in the massacre.
Special Features: There's a commentary track with the writer, director, and creator of Jack Frost, and it's surprisingly informative and amusing. If you've got the movie, it's actually interesting.
First Kill: Guy in the raft, six and a half minutes in. Death by drowning.
Best Kill: My vote goes for Rose getting her eyeballs tonged. It was a cool effect, and pretty darned unique. I'd almost say Manners' death, but the teeny cute snowballs is too hilarious.
Best Line: There's plenty of options here, but I gotta go with Sam saying, with deadly seriousness in the face of Jack Frost's rampage, "It's another holly, jolly Christmas."
Blood Type - B-: The blood was good, but most of it was supplied by exploding snow, and there could have been much more. But what was there was ok. Most of the score comes from the arm spewing buckets of blood all over his wife.
Sex Appeal: There's plenty of women in various states of undress and bikinis, so plenty to stare at for the guys.
Movie Rating: If ever there was an awful movie, this one is it. The story is absurd and nonsensical, the movie looks cheap, the effects are corny or cute. The acting is way over the top and absurd. Now, the director tried to explain it's ok to laugh at the film, it's meant to be laughed at, and you should laugh at it. The movie is more of a comedy than a horror. But since the DVD says its genre is horror, that is how I take it. And even as a comedy it's a dumb, bad, cheap comedy movie. Two out of five snowbabies.
Entertainment Rating: But once again, the more awful a movie is, the less able you are to look away. The movie is downright hilarious, in all the wrong ways. The lines crack you up, the snowballs ARE adorably malicious, and you will find yourself laughing as much out of how bad it is, as you will out of genuine comedy. You will not believe this movie was made. Four out of five musical stings.
Fun Facts: The man in the raft was miraculously saved from his demise by Galactus the world devourer, and turned into his herald, the Silver Surfer.
Agent Manners once again miraculously survived, but was kept in cryogenic suspension for 250 years until they could repair his hand, eye, and everything else. Once he was fixed, he became an undercover operative for Interplanetary Expeditions.
