Uninvited (1988) — Triskaidekafiles

UNINVITED

WRITER: Greydon Clark

DIRECTOR: Greydon Clark

STARRING: George Kennedy as Mike

Alex Cord as Walter

Clu Gulager as Albert

Toni Hudson as Rachel

Eric Larson as Martin

Clare Carey as Bobbie

Beau Dremann as Lance

Rob Estes as Corey

Shari Shattuck as Suzanne

QUICK CUT: A group of friends go out on a boat for the weekend, and their pet cat does not take well to the trip across the water!

THE MORGUE - YAY actual characters!

Martin - The brains of the group. He’s into science, and always has a plan.

Rachel - The captain of Walter’s boat, who took it from her father. She’s exasperated half the time, and the other half is just trying to do things legally.

Corey - A young urban professional out for himself and always looking for a buck.

Walter - A businessman, rich enough to be on Forbes, and with all the baggage and skeletons in the closet to match.

Mike - Walt’s right hand man, who is always looking out for Walter’s best interests. Even if Walt ignores his advice half the time and does what he wants anyways.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! Here we are with the movie I was gonna do last time, but bumped for Mother's Day, because how could I NOT do The Suckling, right?? But I digress. This brings us to Uninvited, from 1988, and not to be confused with the Elizabeth Banks flick from the late Aughts. No, this movie is instead...well. It's a trip. Rather than get into too much setup, let's just dive right in.

The movie sets things up with some doctors concerned about one of their test subjects, the adorablist cat ever on screen, and something strange growing inside it...so let's cut it open! You MONSTERS.

Unfortunately, when they try to sedate the cat, it does what cats do, and scrambles off to safety. You go, little guy!!

Some men in bunnysuits chase after the kitty because of radiation concerns, but oh holy shit, that should be the LEAST of their problems.

They corner the cat, and hit it with a tranq dart to sedate it, so everything should be just fi...OH MY GODS WHAT THE FUCK HOLY SHIT.

Poor little kitty's mouth opens wide, and wider, and wider still, AND ANOTHER HIDEOUS CREATURE CLIMBS OUT OF THE GAPING MAW. Also, I swear this cat puppet looks like a Critter head with more fur.

This little gremlin slashes apart the bunnymen, I presume, because blood sprays EVERYWHERE. Now THIS is how you open a movie.

A guard hears the commotion and opens the stairwell door...which only serves to give the cat a chance to escape into the parking garage.

The scientists show up and follow the stock cat sounds to find the kitty and kill it, but that goes about as well as you'd expect from a movie with another hour 20 to go. It kills the guard and Doctor Grey, and escapes into the rest of the plot.

And the movie slows down a LOT from here, as it slowly introduces us to the rest of the canon fodder. We get to meet corrupt businessman Walter as he seduces a couple ladies and invites them to his boat, and also his right hand men, George Kennedy and Clu Gulager.

The movie wisely keeps the freaky deaky kitty monster plot going though, as Walter gets dragged off to deal with some legal issues. Yes, amidst this movie about a killer matryoshka kitty, we have wicked SEC dealings.

Toonces NO! You can’t drive, you’ve had your license taken away!!

Scenes of legal weasels and corporate bullshit should be boring as shit, and like I said, this does slow the plot down...but Walter and his cronies are so over the top and chewing scenery I even love watching these scenes.

I mean, they also lead to Walter murdering his accountant or whomever Daryl is, in the hot tub for trying to blackmail him, so there's that.

After another kittymurder, we meet a bunch of guys that hook up with the ladies, and get invited along for the ride onto Walter's boat, as he tries to race to his money ahead of the SEC.

They also find the cat and bring it along, because plot. Also someone asks if they hear the stock cat mewing and I am amused.

Hello people, wanna go check out my grandparents abandoned, burnt down farm in the middle of nowhere and be attacked by demons?

Yep! That’s Corey from my OTHER favourite movie, Demon Wind!! I wasn’t about to let that go past me.

Also, they say the cat 'looks starved' and exCUSE me? I've seen less fat cats that get regularly fed. Also, also, I can point to a lot of meals this cat has had recently. It must be taken care of by whomever also took care of Gabriel in The Crow.

Walter is SO SO deliciously slimy. EVERYTHING he says drips with sarcasm and evil. If they ever remade this movie, he needs to be recast with Eric Roberts. But I digress.

He's none too pleased about all the new people aboard his boat, he only wanted pretty eye candy to grope and ogle, but they talk him into it, since they can be used to crew the boat across the ocean.

Things slow down a bit as everyone settles into the boat, and look. THIS is the right kind of pacing. The movie was front loaded with a bunch of death, the cat has been WELL established as a threat, Walter is established as dangerous, and it's just a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. You can get away with letting us breathe for a bit now

Meanwhile, Clu has been left to steer the boat, has gotten completely drunk, and sailed them way off course. The ship's captain, and former owner (long story), Rachel finally shows up and dismisses him, so he goes to get more drunk.

He runs into the little nesting cat, spits some wine on it, and let's be honest, gets what he deserves when the cat slashes him and he falls overboard.

Let's be honest, almost every death in this movie is deserved by people being shitty to the cat.

The next day, the ladies are chillin' in the hot tub death machine, and boy wouldn't they love to be told THAT little fact, eh? The engine is crap but working sporadically, since Rachel can't take care of this boat alone, leaving them stranded a bit making this all the more dire.

Rachel discovers Albert must've gone overboard, and Weasel Walter talks her into continuing forward rather than going back to look for him. Martin also finds some of Albert's blood and checks it out, finding some odd properties about it, keeping the mystery alive.

Aaaand then we get the requisite 80s movie aerobics scene, because 80s. Walter checks out and creeps on Bobbie, while the cat meows without moving its lips. Which I mean, makes sense! It's got a smaller ventriloquist cat inside the fursuit!

He gets a little TOO hands on, not taking No for an answer, and one of the kids shows up to tussle with Walt. Which is when Mike shows up and shoots the kid in the arm to protect his boss. Which is when the CAT barfs itself up, and attacks Mike and WOW did THAT ever escalate quickly!!

Mike only gets bitten in the ankle, through his shoe which is weird, and even then he's gushing blood and not doing too good.

Rachel tries calling for help because of all the medical emergencies piling up, but Walt is in such a hurry, he shoots the radio and insists she get them back on track. But with the problems the boat is having, all that does is make things worse, leaving them floating around.

While Mike groans and bleeds, Martin tries to explain what's going on with the blood, and look, there is WAY too much attempting to science in my dumb mutant cat attacks monster movie.

(Also as an aside, there are THREE blonde women in this movie, and that is two too many. I keep losing track of who is who, and I swear the movie loses track of one entirely before the end of the movie...)

Mike starts gushing, his skin starts distending as his blood multiplies and threatens to burst, with everyone standing around his body before it dies.

And I am GENUINELY surprised they didn't get doused with an explosion of blood. I'm also shocked the movie cut away immediately to Mike being tossed into the ocean without a big explosion of blood.

Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of death…

Later, Bobbie and Lance hear something in the closet, think they might be about to get attacked...and in the ONE INSTANCE IN ALL OF HISTORY where a cat jump scare would make sense, you know what they find? NOTHING!! I love it.

After his little shooting spree, the rest of the gang lock Walter up in his cabin, and Corey the Walter fanboy and wannabe entrepeneur is foolishly left to guard him. Walt sees an opportunity and does as he always does; bribes the kid with a briefcase of money.

In the meantime, the cat has raided the ship's supplies, and unfortunately now most of their food and drink is potentially contaminated. As if things weren't bad enough.

One of the girls is getting ready for bed, when we hear more cat meows...but it is so clearly someone just meowing into the mic. I am THIS close to thinking the budget for the movie bottomed out, but it's just a prank.

Corey and Suzanne start making out following that, and is this REALLY the best time for sexytimes? I mean, I guess when there's a cat monster that could kill you and turn you into a red puddle, it's understandable.

Several days later, and the boat is still going nowhere, Suzanne is losing it because she brought the felonious feline aboard, and everyone is just chilling as their supplies dwindle.

But now it's Lance and Bobbie's turn to start making out, and IS THIS REALLY THE TIME??

Lance keeps complaining that he's lost feeling in his arm from the gunshot wound, and Bobbie checks it out and THE CAT IS EATING HIS HAND!!

Let's be honest, this is the most accurate representation of owning a cat in this movie.

Now that he's been bitten though, Lance waste's NO TIME at all, and jumps right off into the ocean to drown. Nice of him to consider the others and taking things out of their hands, but geeze.

And AH HA! THIS is where we lose Bobbie. She goes off the boat WITH Lance, pulled along accidentally. And she's never seen again. It’s a long shot from another boat where we see her fall, so that’s why I kept missing.

Having no other choice, and because he's greedy, Corey talks them into letting Walter loose, so those two can hunt the cat, while Martin and Rachel fix the boat, leaving the borderline catatonic Suzanne to keep watch out for any help.

The two guys lay out poisoned food to try and kill the cat, but ultimately that goes nowhere. Good plan, but fruitless.

Always be sure to properly care for and feed your yacht.

And it especially doesn't go well for Corey, as he goes to check his traps one night, and runs right into the little furball.

He tries shooting the cat. On a boat. With a gun. Let me tell ya how well that goes for him; not at all, and now the boat has leaks.

Corey blasts himself in the face with steam, and the cat finishes the job before crawling back inside its fursuit.

Oh, and things get even worse as they discover the cat clawed its way through metal walls to get at the food, have a snack, and ruin their supplies. So yeah, this is going great!

Suzanne breaks into the pantry, and gobbles up a few of the tainted measly crumbs to try and stave off her hunger...and is thus the instrument of her own demise, when the cat's poisoned blood and saliva get into her system and cause the same fate as being scratched by it.

Things get progressively worse as we enter the final minutes of the film. The leak is pouring water in at a rapid pace, and a storm has moved in, causing the seas to kick up.

The seas they started getting rough, the tiny cat was tossed…

So the time has come, long past due in my opinion, to abandon ship. Martin and Rachel get the life boat ready, as Walter disappears to try and get his briefcases of money. So, priorities.

His greed is his undoing, as I am sure you can imagine, as he goes back for one last briefcase...and runs into Pussy Galore.

Needless to say, Walter dies from his own greed. And a cat.

I’ve run out of funny captions. I just want as many gifs of this thing as possible.

Martin decides to check on Walter, being the lone nice guy in the entire movie, and finds the businessman's floating corpse.

He rushes back to the life raft, and our two survivors row off as the yacht sinks down like it hit a feline iceberg.

But just when they think they've gotten away with their lives and a million dollars, the cat shows up like the monster in a slasher movie, because, well...

They knock it into the water and NOW you've done it. That's just gonna piss it off more!! And I'm right, as it comes back for more.

Corey figures out it won't stop coming since they're the only thing floating, and they toss the briefcase out to it so it will climb up there like it's a door on the Titanic.

Oh, AFTER they dump out all the money to keep, because they're not morons.

The movie deals with a few other things as they walk off into the sunset, while a kid finds a cat on the beach, making the same stock sound as the other cat, so sequel! ...That never came.

TRISK ASSESSSMENT

Video: This looks REALLY good for a 1980s low budget monster flick. Once again, Vinegar Syndrome does a great job restoring the movie.

Audio: Sounds great too.

Sound Bite: “Somehow I don’t trust you!” “I’d be disappointed if you did!”

Body Count: For a movie with a single location and small main cast, this movie REALLY delivers.

1 - Silver suited bunnyman gets killed by the matryoshka cat

2 - And I presume the yellow jumpsuited guy

3 - And his twin.

4 - Security guard found dead.

5 - Head doctor killed

6 - Daryl gets drowned in the hot tub

7 - Robber gets eaten by the catthing.

8 - His accomplice almost certainly dies in the truck crash.

9 - Albert gets gnawed on and falls into the ocean.

10 - Mike dies from his blood gurgling out of everywhere.

11 - Lance dives into the water after being bitten

12 - And he takes Bobbie with him.

13 - After blasting himself in the face with steam, the cat finishes off Cory.

14 - Suzanne bloodgasms after eating poisoned food.

15 - Walter gets sliced up by the cat.

Best Corpse: Suzanne’s exploding melting blood gags are great.

Blood Type - A: There’s plenty of blood here, some solid gags, it splashes in a few key scenes, gushes in others, and look. That cat puppet is monstrous and I love it. But even without that, this would still be a B somewhere.

Sex Appeal: The worst we get is aerobics and bikinis!

Drink Up! Every time you hear that same stock cat meowing.

Video Nasties: I am not picking a clip this time. I think you should see this entire movie.

Movie Review: Okay, before I get to into this, let me hit the downsides. The plot is a bit of a mess. For a simple idea of science experiment monster movie, it overly complicates things with Walter’s subplot. it DOES give the movie things to do though, provides some motivation, and from being boring. So it feels at odds with the plot, but it actually elevates some elements. And I wouldn’t want to lose Walt and Mike, or even Clu’s character. They bring a lot of charm, with a side of sleaze. It’s like they’re in a completely different movie that gets invaded by a cat in a cat. The movie is well made enough, the acting is solid. it’s just a super simple idea that tries too hard at times, while remaining entertaining. I’d still give it a four out of five boxes of Corn Flakes.

Entertainment Value: I love this movie. I ADORE this movie. This is genuinely one of my favourite finds of last year, and one of my all time movies I’ve Trisked. Possibly one of my all time favourite movies ever. Which isn’t to say it’s GOOD, but it entertains the SHIT out of me. That cat monster, from design, to execution, is a big ball of WTF. The characters are a blast, and jump off the screen, especially the seasoned actors. The kills are bloody and fun. And…and this movie is just FUN. Highest of recommendations. Five out of five cats within cats.