Parasite (1982) — Triskaidekafiles

PARASITE

WRITERS: Alan J. Adler, Michael Shoob, and Frank Levering

DIRECTOR: Charles Band

STARRING: Robert Glaudini as Dr. Paul Dean
Demi Moore as Patricia Welles
Luca Bercovici as Ricus
James Davidson as Merchant
Al Fann as Collins
Tom Villard as Zeke
Miss Vivian Blaine as Elizabeth Daley

QUICK CUT: In the far flung future, a man just wants to find a place to sit and get over this bug he caught.

THE MORGUE

Paul Dean - A former scientist who worked for the government/the Corporations, who eventually had a bout of conscience and tried to stop his project. He’s spent however long it’s been trying to atone for his mistakes.

The Merchant - Someone with the Corporation that worked closely overseeing Paul’s project, and isn’t happy he’s running around lose. He’s determined, and no one will get in his way.

Patricia - A local young woman who is curious and stubborn, and wants to help Paul in any way she can.

Ricus - A gang leader that used to work for the Corporation clearing out areas and doing basically slave labour. He’s been scarred by his experiences, hardened by them, and is just trying to get by day by day.

Why yes this WAS released in 3D, how did you guess?

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! Uh...same shit, different day, am I right? Anyways, this week, it is time to dig deep into Parasite! Wow, I don't think we've done an Oscar award winn...wait what? 1980s? Charles Band?? Oh fuck, there's gonna be puppets, isn't there?? There’s always puppets…

Anyways, yes, it is time for this Charles Band classic about a murderous deadly virus set in the far future and look. I planned this out last year. I had no idea what was coming.

The movie starts with us in a room filled with red mist, empty save for one man strapped down to a table. We then see the same man in a lab, futzing about, and as he's putting the samples into an autoclave, he is startled by someone, spilling them. One of the samples crawls into him, burrowing into his stomach, and he takes another and scoops it into a thermos.

Meanwhile, the version of the scientist strapped down has something in HIS stomach too, that bursts out into 3D. The man then wakes up in a car, screaming, so IT WAS ALL A DREAM. But, the stuff in the lab, we can largely assume happened based on the events of the movie.

DUDE you better clearly label those as NOT for human consumption before sticking them in the fridge.

He drives off in the mobile lab ambulance he has, and we see a billboard that indicates this is set in the far flung future of 1992!! At the very least. If I had to wager, I'd say that was when whatever Happened, Happened, and this is several years afterwards. EDIT: It becomes clearer through dialogue later, that ths may indeed be set around the then-future 1992.

I would say he finds a seemingly abandoned place to go hang out in for awhile, but this entire world seems largely abandoned.

He hears a woman scream, goes to investigate and finds her tied up by a pair of men. They scuffle a bit, they run off, and when he frees her, she seems pretty ungrateful. Apparently, this was either some sort of consensual game, or it's the only life she knows and doesn't know what to do without it, and runs back to her attackers.

Someone went and souped up their Nintendo Zapper.

Also, yes, as I pointed out, this movie was made for 3D, and there are a TON of gags of poking stuff at the camera, people being thrown right at you, etc etc. It's not so bad during the fight, but there are moments throughout this film...

Fortunately, he meets someone far more polite following the scuffle; an old man, named Buddy. He introduces himself as Paul Dean, and is offered a deep fried stick of butter...er, some coffee. Real, actual coffee. Something that is all too rare in this world gone wrong. The true nightmare, revealed.

There's apparently some sort of illness ravaging the world, as Buddy refers to the gropers as "sickies", and he freaks out when Paul starts looking a bit unwell himself. He doesn't want any of that around him, so at least he respects social distancing.

He finishes his coffee and gets read to leave, but is assaulted by the sickies, smashing his cool pewpew gun. There's a bit of a scuffle, the guy gets bit by a snake, and as he reels from that, Paul grabs him, and shoves him against a fence, and impaled on a convenient 3D compatible pipe.

Man. Shoved against a fence AND impaled on a pipe. This is NOT that guy's day at ALL.

Paul drives on, stops for gas, and then finds his way to bar and a boardinghouse. Hopefully, not one run by John Wintergate.

Pour yourself a nice mug of blood, we just tapped a dreg!

He settles in to his room, unpacks his lab, and checks himself out, revealing something pulsing in his belly, confirming at least that much of his nightmare. We also see he keeps it in check with some handy injections. Which he squirts RIGHT into the camera.

Meanwhile, back at the gas station, a man pulls up in a sleek black Lambourghini, asking about any strangers coming through. The gas station attendant ain’t no snitch though, so just fills up the car. And the guy pays with a literal platinum card!

Paul heads over to the bar, run by Collins, and kicks back for a mug of canned soup. They chat a bit and we learn a little bit about the world with some references to 'atomic shit' falling out of the sky in NYC. But at the same time, the city seems to still be there, so it's hard to get around what's gone wrong, but something nuclear I guess, with added corporate bullshit.

And that's the perfect time for the local goon squad to show up and cause some trouble. Starting with their leader, Ricus, taking the last of Paul's soup.

Patricia then walks in, drawing the attention of the group, because dur hur, pretty girl.

Ricus goes on a rant about he worked for the big Corporation (The Xyrex logo we've seen everywhere) and that he worked in the suburbs, which...apparently the world has gone to shit for so long, we are expected to believe Patricia has no idea what a suburb is.

Things head outside, the gang continues to harass Patty, but Collins protects her with his shotgun. But she shows she can take care of herself with a handy dandy gun all her own.

So they move on, and find Paul's van, and they realise it might have a precious store of sweet, sweet drugs they can use and/or sell. And they take the thermos, because mmm, coffee... I TOLD YOU TO LABEL IT!!

Ricus hands the canister to Toby from Popcorn, and he opens it up, sticking his hand inside. And wow, you get what you deserve for that. Pour the shit out, don't poke an unknown substance.

But surprise! whatever is inside leaps out and latches onto Zeke like a leech.

The WORST peanut brittle snake gag EVER.

The Smiler has made his way to Buddy's compound, and asks around, still getting no answers. But he can smell a liar, and uses a pen that slices off the old guy's hand. Wow, I guess the pen IS mightier than the sword!!

He continues on to Collins' bar, and the barkeep lets slip that some guy just came through the other day. Ooops

So it's BACK to the gas station, but the guy there sticks to his story...so it's BACK to town, and he barges into the boardinghouse to get a room. We only have three locations, people.

Meanwhile, Leechor, evil master of power suction, is still stuck to Zeke and chowing down. Ricus tries to cut it off, but that just makes it dig in more.

Our two main characters pass like thieves in the night as Paul grabs his supplies, and the Smiler watches.

We get a little more backstory as Paul talks about his time working for the government, and the parasites in his stomach and on Zeke are the last two. He destroyed the rest when he discovered what Xyrex was going to use them for...because there are GOOD uses for parasites??

Anyways, he needs the other to study and save himself, and all before it reproduces, dooming an already doomed world to millions of spores.

I've already tried injecting disinfectant, and shining sunlight up my ass, so don't ask.

During the night, Zeke passes away, but don't worry! The parasite went and snuggled up next to one of the girls and starts licking her foot. Huh, must be a Tarantino worm.

They do the right thing and bring the girl to town, asking Collins for help, and taking her to the boardinghouse. Because we only have four locations.

Suddenly they remember they have a doctor who just rolled into town, and Ricus goes to find him. Which is good news, because he's looking for you and the parasite.

While those two try and play a game of meetup tag, the Smiler finds Patricia and questions her with lasers. Fortunately Ricus drives in and distracts him, letting Patricia get away for the moment.

Paul finally returns from wandering off to spend some time in the barn, and he suddenly announces that high frequency sound will kill the parasite.,

WOW WE REALLY PULLED THAT OUT OF OUR COLLECTIVE ASSES. Seriously. Paul walks off, despondent, is off screen for five, ten minutes, and he declares he has a solution out of nowhere. Pffff

There's no process, there's no accidental use of sound he sees affect it. He just says "Hey, so, sound!" It is literally something he could have come up with at ANY point, and does it now becausde there's 15 minutes left.

Ah I see we have reached our Vasquez Rocks portion of the movie.

Meanwhile, the angry green bean has gotten bored with its current victim, slides off and goes to find the madam of the boardinghouse.

And once it falls from the ceiling on top of her, it quickly kills her and BURSTS OUT OF HER FACE. I mean, it's burning through bodies pretty quickly, but whatever.

Doc arrives and finds the dead bodies, and the parasite finds them. But for convenience sake, it doesn't bite, it just kinda scurries around.

They hunker down with an oscilliscope, and Collins shows up to fire up the genny. But that's when the Smiler arrives to cause more troubles and get his worms back.

So instead of experimenting on the free parasite, they just crank up the Shaggs until Paul's baby Quatto explodes. So...we did NOT need the second parasite after all?

I mean, we should still KILL it, but it's a bit of a random plot point cul de sac at this stage.,

Back at the scuffle in the basement, the Smiler cuts off the plot thread of Ricus, and then he heads upstairs. Paul recovers VERY QUICKLY from having a giant gaping gut wound, and fights the Smiler, until the lurking parasite scurries over to give the guy a big ol' kiss.

They crash outside, the Smiler gets thrown off the backstairs, landing next to the fuel tank, which Patty shoots up, and the guy goes up in a GIGANTIC FIREBALL. Which is exactly the sort of ending I like. Well done. Or at least medium rare.

And that's pretty much it, as they stare at the crispy corpse and watch it burn. It's over! Yes, the parasites are gone! I mean...the world is still a pile of shit getting worse every day and in the corporate grasp of Xyrex but...everything's fine!

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: For an early 80s no budget affair, it looks damned good. Kino usually does good releases. I wish I had it in 3D, and could see it, because the effects look fun.

Audio: It’s weirdly low at times, but otherwise fine.

Body Count: Not bad, but I’m not gonna lie, it could’ve easily been more and better.

1- Rapist mugger dude gets a pipe through the gut, AND snakebit, 14 minutes in.
2 - Zeke dies after the parasite snacks on him for a day or two.
3 - Let's be honest, the old guy probably died when he lost his hand
4 - Woman dies from the parasite
5 - Innkeeper gets surprised by the parasite
6 - Ricus gets blasted in the gut
7 - Smiler goes up in flames

Best Corpse: Dude. You have me an exploding face and a parasite jumping out. Winner winner, parasite dinner. But crispy Merchant is damned close.

Blood Type - B: There IS some good blood, especially with that faceburster, and a few other notable moments. Plus the effects on the puppetsite are decent.

Sex Appeal: That poor girl at the start, was she topless? I think so.

Drink Up! every time something jumps at the screen

Movie Review: For the most part, I really enjoyed this movie. It’s nothing mind blowing or jaw dropping or attention grabbing, but it’s…comfortable. You sit back and just…enjoy the ride. The plot is solid, and a bit of a riff on the man with no name comes into town. The characters are nice and likable. My biggest problem is, the world never quite feels real to me, and I felt like I was kept at arms length from it. I never quite connected with the reality of it. But overall, a perfectly fine little early 80s flick. Three out of five parasites.

Entertainment Value: It’s got a bit of that gritty post apocalyptic vibe hat was so prevalent in the 70s, and that’s fun. But there’s nothing QUITE so bad as to be fun, and nothing really stand out. It’s entertaining for what it is, but again, nothing really jumps out. And yes, the irony of that is not lost on me. This movie is just fine, is the best I can say about it. And that’s okay. Three out of five platinum credit cards.