Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1983)

MOUNTAINTOP MOTEL MASSACRE

WRITER: Jim McCullough Jr.

DIRECTOR: Jim McCullough

STARRING: Bill Thurman as Rev. Bill McWilley
Anna Chappell as Evelyn
Will Mitchell as Al
Virginia Loridans as Tanya
Major Brock as Crenshaw
Amy Hill as Prissy
Marian Jones as Mary
Greg Brazzel as Vernon
Jill King as Lorie

QUICK CUT: Poor old Evelyn is just trying to get her life back on track after being released from a mental institution, and struggling to keep her dead husband’s motel up and running.

THE MORGUE

Evelyn - A poor elderly woman who has had a rough go of it, and is not doing too well after being released from a mental hospital. She ends up snapping and killing everyone she can.

Jim - A local reverend who has fall on hard times, and is staying cheap at the Mountaintop Motel for cheap. He’s a good sort, friendly, and loves chatting up new visitors.

Crenshaw - A carpenter just passing through, who befriends the Rev, and is too smart to be in a horror movie.

Al - He’s a bit of a liar, a bit skeevy, looking to make it with any sweet little thing he finds along his travels, but beyond that, he DOES mean well, he just is a bit of a horndog.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! Summer time is here, and it's time to head outside, and off into the woods, for a little Mountaintop Motel Massacre! Look, I need something light after The Item, okay?

The movie opens up telling us about Evelyn Chambers being in a mental institution for a few years, then joins her regularly scheduled gardening, already in progress.

She gets interrupted by her daughter Lorie's bunny, and threatens if she doesn't come get it right now, she'll cut his head off.

And needless to say, Evelyn is not one to bluff, as she takes a sickle to it's face.

Meanwhile, Lorie isn't saving her bunny, because she's down in some tunnels talking to her dead father, seeking advice on what to do about momma who is losing it again. Oh, and having a tea party with another bunny and a goat, because why not?

She starts making noises not far from trying to summon her dad, and what have I told you people? Do not summon things in horror movies!!

Evelyn comes into the tunnels, finds her daughter, and throws a fit, smashing the tea party to bits. In her wild spinning, she gets Lorie right in the neck, and she dies.

Wouldst though like to live deliciously?

The police and an ambulance arrive at the *ahem* motel, and find Lorie in the kitchen. Paramedics do what they can, but there's no help for Lorie.

We also meet Reverend Bill, whom the sheriff asks to stick around, and following the funeral, it does look like the whole thing is ruled an accident, despite Evelyn's history.

And this entire scene goes on too long. We go through the whole medical life saving playbook, the funeral, and everything. This movie definitely harkens back to a different time where you could slow burn like this, instead of spending nearly 20 minutes before the cast even shows up.

Fortunately, a guest does eventually show up, Crenshaw, and Evelyn checks him in, although in a bit of a daze.

Oh that should be your first warning sign, friend.

While Bill and Crenshaw meet and chat over dinner, Evelyn slips into another cabin, and opens up a trapdoor into the tunnels. While down there, she plays with some snakes and loads them up into sacks.

...So uh... We're just not even gonna pretend at any sort of mystery here? Crazy woman established as crazy goes crazy again with tunnels around her compound, and plenty of deadly critters? The cast isn't even here yet, and we already know the entire plot.

But at least we have a couple of cars driving around, preparing to bring us a married couple, and a pair of wannabe singers. But again, we are pushing 25 minutes here...

The married couple arrive first, and the bride is...less than pleased. As well she should be, since this place is a run down dump.

While Evelyn creeps around, the couple settle into their room, and find an old sack they toss aside. I swear, this place is decorated with red flags.

As Bill and Crenshaw head off to sleep, we meet our last member of the canon fodder, while he is dealing with the storm. He uses his bitchin' car phone to get some help to find a motel, and heads to our forest hovel.

It's really more like a Just Off the Turnpike Campground Slaying.

He drives by the singing girls who have gotten a flat, and he gives them a ride to the motel. Oh and gasp surprise, he's a record exec for Columbia Records! And I'm a hot blonde telepath.

Meanwhile, the married couple are getting ready to consummate, and wouldn't you know it? Before he can whip out his trouser snake, Vernon gets bitten in the face with a real snake. Vernon, venom. Venom, Vernon.

The other group finally arrives, after narrowly escaping a falling tree that now blocks the road to the campground. Al gets out and gets them a room, and plucks a red fla...er, spiderweb out of Evelyn's hair.

Heading back to the car, Al runs into the bride, who asks for help. He sends Mary back to watch over Vern, and uses his phone to call for help, leaving a message with dispatch to reach the sheriff.

Meanwhile, Evelyn is pranking the Rev with a bag of rats. He wakes up, shoos them off, and wonders where they came from, as she slinks into the trapdoor. Sigh.

Next, she gathers up a bunch of insects from a tank she keeps them in, and dumps them in Crenshaw's room. Ooohhh Evelyn, you scamp!

...Aww damnit, the movie did the same joke.

We are kinda spinning wheels at this point. The sheriff slowly wandering his way to the camp, Mary and Vernon waiting while his face swells, Al and the girls sitting and singing. All while Evelyn slowly wanders through the tunnels creating harmless mischief. Get on with it!

Anyways, Al likes their singing, says he thinks they might just have a big career ahead of them...and all I can hear is, "And now, let's bang."

Which is exactly where this heads. Tanya is all in, but Prissy sees through Al’s scheme and goes to sulk in the bathroom.

Fortunately, Evelyn has her sickle, and finally decides to do some damage. She comes up through the trapdoor in Al's bathroom, and slashes Prissy before she has time to scream.

Tanya starts to feel bad, and they check the bathroom. There's lots of blood, but the body has disappeared. Which would be an effective mystery if they hadn't made everything clear ten minutes in.

Al goes to look around, and warns everyone as best he can that someone went missing from a more or less seemingly locked room.

They warn Bill last, and as Al goes to find Evelyn, she comes up through the tunnels, and gashes the Rev in the chest.

Back in Al's room, Tanya is freaking out, and he tries to comfort her. And he drops the shocking bombshell that he is not a record exec!

We jump over to Crenshaw, grumbling about all this bullshit going on, and packing up. Dude is the smartest one in the movie. He's got no patience for this white people nonsense, and he is going home.

He heads to the bathroom to drop a deuce first though, and Evelyn makes the mistake of trying to peak out. He is both alerted by the breeze on his candle, light from the tunnels, and the noise.

Knowing what's going on, he quickly grabs some hammer and nails from his toolbox, and gets down to business nailing down the trapdoors across the campground. Again, smartest man in the movie.

Looks like you’ve got tunnel gnomes, that’s yer problem.

He seals up the door in Al's room, and the pair continue on, leaving Tanya behind in her state of shock.

Next, they head to the office, find it empty, find Evelyn's trapdoor, and her stash of critters and crawlies, and shrine to Lorie.

Which all would have been a great reveal, if we didn't already know it. The biggest flaw of this movie is the complete lack of surprises.

Al decides they need to take action, get to her before she gets to them, since they have no idea when the cops will arrive. Crenshaw continues to be the bastion of logic, "And get myself killed by some crazy old white woman??"

It’s hard to bargle nawdle zouss with all these snakebites in my mouth

They hurry to the married couple's cabin, block off the door, but after they leave, we find out it is too late, a Evelyn is already in the room.

Look, these cabins are not that large. Where was she hiding??

ANYways, she quickly takes out Mary and Vernon with her sickle. Looks like Ernest won't be going to this camp after all.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp, metal objects.

The two guys come running at the sounds of the screams, but Evelyn has already ducked down the bolt hole. Crenshaw waits there, while Al heads to another cabin, and they hope to catch her one way or the other, or corner her.

Al heads back to his cabin and gets ready, and gives Tanya the keys to his car, ordering her to drive of if he's not back soon.

We get a lot of skulking in the tunnels, and it could be good tension, but it's so much like the rest of the movie - long, quiet, and drawn out - that you just want something to happen.

Unfortunately, when something does happen, Crenshaw drops his weapon, and when he goes to reach for it, he loses his hand. And then Evelyn slashes him dead.

Damnit. Crenshaw deserved to live. But as we hear the scream, Al turns off his lantern and hides before Evelyn can come and get him next.

Meanwhile, the sheriff finds the still freaking out Tanya in Al's car, and the two return to the campground to wrap this up.

The sheriff heads down into the tunnels, and it's even more wandering as anyone tries to find anyone else.

He finds the main lair, with most of the dead bodies on display for another tea party, and eventually runs into the killer.

The pair struggle, and it eventually ends with a visit from the ironic punishments division, as Evelyn gets her own sickle in her neck.

Our Sheriff comes up out of the tunnels, telling Tanya everyone is dead Dave, but when they go to leave, Al pops up, alive and well.

So, basically, Al survived by the sheer fact that he pussed out, turned off his lantern, and hid. When will he reveal THAT secret, I wonder?

As they drive off, a woman appears and...is it Lorie? Was she not dead this whole time? Is she a vengeful spirit trying to stop her mother? If so, why, where has she been, and she did one shit ass job of it with all the bodies it took to get there.

...am I late for my scenes? Where is everyone?

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It looks pretty decent, if a bit of that old 80s dullness to it. But it is what it is, and looks good for it.

Audio: Sounds just fine.

Body Count: A bit light, and takes awhile to get going, but percentage wise, I can’t really complain.

1 - Just past seven minutes, and Lorie dies.
2 - Stabs Prissy in the bathroom
3 - Evelyn slashes the reverend next
4 - Mary gets scythed in the face.
5 - And then Evelyn slashes snakebite boy
6 - Sadly, Crenshaw didn't make it.
7 - Evelyn gets it in the end.

Best Corpse: I think I’ll go with Mary, that sickle through the cheeks, and seeing in the mouth is REALLY nice.

Blood Type - C+: Not much in the way of blood, but it’s not devoid, and the makeup gashes are rather well done.

Sex Appeal: More teasing than anything else.

Drink Up! Every time you think you see a red flag

Movie Review: Okay, you know I try and find good things to say, and on the one hand, at least this isn’t The Item. On the other hand it’s just…not that great. It is a dreadfully slow burn, 20 minutes before the main cast shows up, and very plodding. With no sense of mystery to ponder, there’s not a lot to hang your hat on here. Once that final act kicks off, and Evelyn picks people off? That’s GREAT, and if they preserved the mystery, then yeah, we got something here. What there is though, is lacking. Remove about 15 minutes, don’t give away the game, and build in more of a reveal, and it is so close to working. There are opportunities here, and it IS well made enough, with a few decent shots. It just never finds its tone. Two out of five sickles.

Entertainment Value: A lot of the kills are nicely done, and again, if there was mystery, that would add a LOT. No one is a terrible actor to chuckle at. I do very much enjoy Crenshaw, at least. Again, it’s not really bad, but it just doesn’t do much. While it is just about worth seeing, it is slow, which only gives you room to riff in, which is something at least. Three out of five trapdoors.