The Astrologer (1976) — Triskaidekafiles

THE ASTROLOGER

WRITER: Original screenplay by Dorothy June Pidgeon

DIRECTOR: Craig Denney

STARRING: Craig Denney as Craig Marcus Alexander

Darrien Earle as Darrien

Arthyr W. Chadbourne as Arthyr

QUICK CUT: A con man cons everyone, and becomes his own downfall.

THE MORGUE

Craig - A con man, an astrologer, a man of great ego and cleverness. He’s out for himself, and will do anything to get ahead. The only other thing that means a damn to him is his wife.

Darrien - Craig’s wife, who seems rather naive, as she gets pulled into Craig’s world with promises of a bright future which never comes. She wisens up for a time, but is lured back in after she falls on very hard times.

Arthyr - Craig’s carnival barker friend, who took care of the money so well, Craig brings him aboard to do the same once he hits it big. Arthyr is loyal, almost to a fault, has a good head for numbers, and is always looking out for Craig’s best interests, even against Craig himself.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! We are back with the second movie in our February "Passion Projects" month, the Astrologer! No, that's not a typo. No, you’re not stuck in a time loop. No, you’re not stuck in a time loop. There were two movies that came out in the mid 70s, possibly the same year depending on who you ask, called The Astrologer. It's like Metamorphosis all over again. Except this time it's on purpose.

This Astrologer is a supposedly semi authobiographical account of it's director, producer, and star, Craig Denney, an astrologer. Duh. He plays Craig Alexander. Hmm, I wonder if it's based on his life.

Astrologer is a movie that many believed lost for awhile, since it was a passion project, completely created from the hands of Denney, with only a few prints, a limited run, and using music they didn't license, so it was never going to see the light of day. Fortunately, it has turned up, and while a physical release remains unlikely, it does show up from time to time at festivals and the like. And if you know where to look, so I’ve heard.

I swear, a talking monkey is gonna show up any second now.

Now, this movie is NOT our usual fare. It’s not horror. It could only be called science fiction with the greatest will in the world. But it IS exactly the sort of thing I absolutely LOVE sharing with people; something a little lost, very obscure, utterly fascinating, and just a truly unique piece of cinema that you’ve probably never heard of, but is worth knowing it exists.

The movie opens up, much like its namesake, with a voiceover from Craig himself, saying this is a true story, and he was born to lie, cheat, and steal. Kinda gettin' some mixed messages there, boss.

We get some bits of his youth as a ne’er do well who ends up being arrested, all leading to his working at the carnival as a fortune teller, with his friend Arthyr doing the selling.

Craig tells us how he used to steal 20 dollars here, 20 there, but now he steals hundreds of thousands of dollars...legally! Capitalism!

I see you will be in a bad movie no one will ever see…

He meets a young woman, tells her fortune, and decides he is in love with her, as one does.

At this point in time, Craig, or The Great Alexander, as he goes by to the rubes, is just barely scraping by, staying ahead of the law, barely covering any permits he needs, and Arthyr has had enough. He's enlisting with a man who runs an oil company that is heading out the next day to go exploring, Craig decides to stay.

Craig promises Darrien that thanks to their charts, they will be soon living like kings and queens. So we cut to two years later, and like this is an It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia bit, we are informed, "We are not living like kings and queens".

He meets up with the same oil businessman from two years ago, so this was a rather pointless addendum to the plot. We coulda just cut out the last five minutes.

Anyways, Craig decides to go with him THIS time, making a deal that will make them rich (while failing to tell us what or how), and actually says, "My charts showed that favourable and unfavourable events were about to begin." Well sure, if you cover all the possibilities, you're bound to be right. After this, he must go on to become The Sphinx with the Mystery Men.

The guy who's letting him stay on his land demands his money before Craig disappears, and he tries to weasel out of it, which gets his car smashed. Darrien is fed up with two years of broken promises and leaves him.

Craig meets with the Hanlons in a cemetery, they show him some diamonds and gems, and they would like more.

...And suddenly we're in Kenya. Because this movie does not quite understand narrative flow. People drift in and out of the plot with no regard. Plots multiply like bunnies. But hey, passion project, autobiographical, whatevs.

We land in Kenya, and Craig is already in jail for diamond smuggling, and we learn this is already his second offense. Making an impression on the locals, I see.

Mister Alexander, your regular room is ready for you!

This was all expected, as he takes the fall for his bosses, but they quickly get him out. The three of them next meet a local chieftain so Craig can read his charts, and it goes well enough that they learn where a sacred ruby is. This is all very straightforward, but also feels like a lot of stuff just kinda…happening.,

Craig and the Hanlons ignore the warnings about curses and evil spirits, and go to the temple Boyd sneaks up and grabs some diamonds and rubys and a couple of snakes.

The snakes bite Boyd good, killing him. Craig rushes in, kills some snakes, and runs off with the gems and Boyd's wife.

Where can you steal diamonds? Only in Kenya! Come to Kenya, we've got diamonds.

Craig and Rita meet up with a local hunting guide who can get them on a boat, but he will take a night with Rita as payment.

Rita agrees to it, and Craig interrupts the proceedings to cause a little death when he blows the guide's head off. We jump to the police who are now very aware of the deaths being left in Craig's wake. The police chief yells at one of his officers, setting up a future confro...nah, it never happens, this scene is useless, sets up nothing, and they are never seen again, because this movie has zero narrative flow.

Following a run in with quicksand that gets Rita handily out of the story, Craig makes his way to the boat and sails back home in an extended montage.

I dunno, maybe if we spent less time on scenes of sailing to the tune of Nights in White Satin, we'd have more time to develop the other...hell, okay, develop ANY plotline.

Sailing the seas of copyright infringement.

We finally end up in Thailand for a bit, as Craig tries to sell the gems, while the prison guard from earlier is chasing him. I dunno, maybe the cop would have made more sense, but close enough. Or have Dietrich being the guy the police chief was yelling at.

Long story short, this ends up with the woman who sets up a meeting between the two shooting Dietrich, and Craig going on the run before the cops can get put on his trail.

You know what that means; more traveling montage!! Oh wait, no, just a REALLY long sequence of a diver getting the bags of gems from the bottom of the ocean.

Your cards say you are the reincarnation of the virgin Mary…

Craig retrieves the gems, finds a seller, and sells them for two million dollars through a complex series of drop offs and letters we never get to see. You know, this movie is so packed with ideas, so sprawling, it's a shame we spend so much of it doing fuck all.

But Craig takes his eventual millions and heads back to California, and uses his money to start to build his empire.

He begins working with the government, speaking on tv, and pretty much acting like any so called psychic was in the 70s. Yuri Gellar would be proud.

Do you remember the kid who had a report due on space?

We watch a wreck of a plane as Craig narrates for a LONG time about how a pilot went missing and the angular moon this and in conjunction with angular Uranus that...

Yeah, you can shove all this right up MY angular Uranus. I mean, it IS a gas giant.

Craig next talks with some people on the phone about how he wants to make a movie, using first names of his friends, and it will be about the adventures of an astrologer as he travels around the world, and it will be called "The Astrologer".

...Now we're getting recursive.

Watching the astrologer starring in The Astrlolger as the astrologer watches The Astrologer starring the Astrologer

If I watch The Astrologer within The Astrologer long enough, will that Astrologer also make a movie called The Astrologer?? And then will THAT…

Guys...what if I’M in the movie?? I think we ALL are? Things are getting weird!! Too many levels! What is reality?!

We learn through voiceover that The Astrologer is a hit and "the talk of Hollywood", so we are venturing further from the realm of autobiograyy. And heading more into the realm of hubristic egotistical prediction. Which is absolutely fascinating to me.

Arthyr wanders his way back into the plot, with his hair greyed up and looking like I did when I had to play Doctor Dussel in my high school production of the Diary of Anne Frank.

Craig has brought Arthyr back to work has his financial advisor, since he's not good with money, and the previous people he's hired he doesn't trust. But he trusts his old con man partner just fine!

Damnit, close the portal into deep space, I am not heating the entire universe!!

Another thing of note, Craig is a sidereal astrologer, not tropical, meaning he is aware that the constellations and calendars have shifted slightly, so our star signs aren't what we think they are. There is a constant running bit where he drags tropical astrology, saying stuff like they're gonna be put in their place, and we'll show people what their REAL star signs are! ...And it never came to pass.

Oh, and there's also a running bit in this back third of Craig avoiding his bills, having Arthyr delay everything he can, just take the money and run. Some things never change. Also, being openly semi autobiographical, it's absolutely wild that they're so open about lying and stealing and not paying for shit.

Craig gets a telegram informing him that Darrien has been found, and following a montage of him driving and imaging kissing his lost love to the entire length of a song, the two are reunited. But she doesn't recognise him, and oh yeah, she's fallen on such hard times, that she's working as a prostitute.

This screams “disgustingly wealthy” and I just can’t wrap my head around why.

So the two are married, and Craig's ego and arrogance are on full display as he fires an actress from one of his movies so his wife can take her place.

Arthyr warns Craig that his media empire is spreading itself too thin with all their projects and too little money, and that whole "not paying any bills" thing. All this spending is rapidly catching up with Craig. This guy might be the singular reason the whole “movies are just a money making scheme” rumours got started.

We then jump to Darrien and Craig having dinner, and a fight breaks out. This fight might have more impact if we knew what they were saying, but I kinda respect the balls it takes to let it play out wordlessly under a music track.

But on the other hand, as I keep saying, rather than sit here for five minutes watching people drink and eat dinner, maybe we could, I dunno, flesh out any of the story?

Suddenly, Darrien is having an affair, with a guy who shows up for five seconds, is never really fleshed out, and is killed almost as fast as he shows up.

You can just feel the smugness oozing off him.

The military sweeps the murder under the rug for their fortune teller, and he heads home to get shitfaced, and once again be confronted by Arthyr.

He gets into a fight with Craig, Arthyr tells him off, and he cuts ties with his former friend and business partner.

So everything in Craig's life implodes - his marriage, his business, his friendships - because of his own ego and arrogance. Again, autobiographical. The events are shockingly similar to his own life AFTER the movie, from what I could gather. I dunno, maybe he COULD predict the future.

Anyways, Craig flashbacks through the movie and all the death that has occurred because of him, and after one last confrontation with Arthyr, the movie just kinda ends, with a quick montage of newspapers as everything falls apart.

Screw you! I’ve got a new client to represent, Doctor Demento!!

So thus is the rise and fall of Craig Alexander, a man who knew too much, reached too far, and thought he would always be one step ahead. But because of his ego, and arrogance, he pushes everyone and everything away, until he has nothing left.

Just...wow.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Considering this is a recovered film, it looks pretty good. It’s a bit on the red side, and I did a little work to try and bring it back to normal skintones and whatnot, but it was tough. But aside from being very 70s, and no real work done to it, it’s perfectly fine.

Audio: All right, with a few glitches in the recording, but that’s to be expected.

Sound Bite: "Uranus is a planet of explosions" Nope nope not gonna say it

Body Count: It may not be horror, it may quite be scifi, but it does manage to have an all right body count.

1 - At 16:30 minutes, Boyd Hanlon gets bitten by a snake stealing gems.

2 - Craig shotguns the hunting guide as he tries to bang Rita for payment

3 - Rita gets caught in quicksand

4 - Diane shoots Deitrich when he refuses to pay her.

5 - Craig kills his wife's mistress

Best Corpse: None of them are much to comment on, but the hunter is the most deserved, and nicely done too.

Blood Type - F: A fairly bloodless movie, considering the content.

Sex Appeal: Craig is sure to include some random gratuitous breasts

Drink Up! Every time the Moody Blues play

Movie Review: Okay, despite all my poking fun, and despite all its problems, I…well, I wouldn’t exactly say I LIKE The Astrologer, although I kinda do. But a better way to say it is I am FASCINATED by it. Where does reality begin and where does the fiction begin? Just HOW much of this is true? Craig Denney is an equally fascinating figure, as he has done at least some of this, as well as working for the government as a consultant, and for some reason thought his life story would make a good movie. His ego is huge, his surety is amazing, and I cannot stop thinking about him or this movie. The Astrologer has been compared to The Room, and that is beyond unfair. The acting here is actually pretty good, pretty believable, and Denney is actually a solid director. The story is where it all falls apart, since it just jumps from A to B to F to S. If you worked in some connective tissue, trimmed down some of the meandering, this actually would not be that bad at all. As it is, it is a bit on the dry side, and needs more happening, but it is worth checking out of the opportunity ever arises. Three out of five poisonous snakes.

Entertainment Value: Seeing such a potentially honest portrayal of someone with such big ideas of themselves, and he’s the one telling the story! is a sight to behold. Craig is a fascinating character, and if you watch this movie clean, you will never know what’s coming next. I think Arthyr Chadbourne gives the best performance (And lemme tell ya, I recognised that name, being a LONGtime fan of Dr. Demento, so when I saw it and saw it WAS the same man, was an absolute trip!) and he has just the right amount of scenery chewing when he really gets into it with Craig. There’s nothing quite in the movie that will have you going WTF??, and yet the entire movie will have to thinking that. Such a strange, unique, fascinating experience. Four out of five angular Uranuses.