Chupa (2000) — Triskaidekafiles

CHUPA

WRITERS: Story by Tom Hoover and Meghan Johnson Hoover

Original Screenplay by Tom Hoover

Additional Material by Meghan Johnson Hoover

DIRECTOR: Tom Hoover

STARRING: Peter Ferry as Captain Roger Lawrence

Jim Lee Johnson as Dr. Simon Westlake

Mary Mahoney as Dr. Samantha Enright

Russell Kunz as Seth Corralis

Dan Sekanic as Skip Stefani

Tiffany Sandels as Angela Beach

Conor McGarvey as Private Andrew Johansen

Henry C. Bishop as Agent Frank Roundtree

Jo McGarvey as Dr. Laura Coats

Jeffrey Lyn Hall as Gabriel Sinclair

QUICK CUT: A group of people take to the woods to do everything they can to find a rare wild animal.

THE MORGUE

Captain Lawrence - A military man, who does things by the book, and doesn’t like surprises. He has a few surprises of his own though, but he will do his best to hold his ragtag team together.

Dr. Westlake - The brains of the operation, the lead scientist on the quest to find the chupacabra, and he has zero patience for psychics.

Gabriel Sinclair - The psychic that Westlake has no time for. He’s had a few encounters with him before, and they’ve always been sparks and oil. But Sinclair is eager to help.

Dr. Enright - An animal specialist and forensic archaeologist. She gets frustrated quickly by government bureaucracy getting in the way of her investigation.

Seth Corralis - An author and expert on chupacabra. Your typical believer in cryptids. Very enthusiastic, very excited to be on the verge of this discovery.

Skip and Angela - A pair of newbie agents fresh off the Quantico boat, and shoved into this mess as their first assignment. Angela is into comms, and Skip handles surveillance. Skip also has a thing for Angela.

Private Andy Johansen - Another young, fresh faced recruit, serving under Captain Lawrence. He also has a thing for Angela.

Agent Roundtree - Yet another agent sent there to oversee things, be in charge since this is an FBI operation, but not there to interfere with Lawrence’s command. Much.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! This week, we are wrapping up April with an in depth look at Chupa! NO, not the Netflix family flick that just dropped, but somehow there is ANOTHER movie with the unfortunate title of "Chupa". And I say unfortuante because, if anyone was not aware, "chupa" is spanish for suck. Specifically in a sexual way. Somehow, less of a problem with this movie than the *family film* but here we are.

Y'know, before we even get into it...this movie is 10 minutes shy of being two hours long. Why is this movie almost two hours long? A decent creature feature should not be this long! 90 minutes, max! Get it, get out, done! An hour forty at a HARD push.

After watching a dude drive up to somewhere, we see a house that's somewhere, being stalked by red Chupacabra vision. A dog inside senses the cameraman in the backyard, and its owner sends it outside to investigate. After it scampers back inside, the woman becomes our movie's first victim.

We follow that up by jumping to a college somewhere with the foremost expert on chupacabras giving a presentation on the creature. Well, I've seen worse ways of shoehorning in exposition.

Oh and of course he ends the presentation by shilling his book. Of course he's trying to make money off it.

I am more than happy to move on at this point, but some kids ask about the Men in Black, but Corralis insists they don't exist. Oh sure, THAT is where we draw the line. Goatsucking monsters, fine. Government agents covering things up? Don't be absurd!

He is then instantly picked up by government agents he assumes are men in black. But they're not! Well, not MiBs. They ARE government agents. But they want to recruit him for a possible chupacabra emergency.

We continue to get the band together with the same guy recruiting a Captain Lawrence, and Dr. Simon Westlake, the same dude who was casting a death curse earlier.

So all of this is because of the recent sightings (And the murders) as far north as Ohio, that wretched hive of scum and villainy. Which has gotten the attention OF THE PRESIDENT who wants to see a chupacabra.

Which means they are forming, I shit you not, "a chupacabra task force".

When you order X-Files off wish dot com.

So we arrive at the lodge near the national park the chupacabra is lurking around, and meet even MORE characters, most of them young, fresh faced, just out of college kids. They lampshade this at least, but it still feels weird.

Now that we've met most of our main cast, oh that's right we are not done meeting characters!, we jump to a park ranger cleaning up after filthy tourists and getting very VERY angry about it. If he wasn't about to be killed by the chupacabra, he would be well on his way to joining up with Ranger Rick Danger.

But then it's back to the ranch for everyone to sit around a tiny table and discuss the mission. Also, more exposition by Corralis. I feel like we could've skipped the earlier scene or this, to get to the point IN UNDER 110 MINUTES.

Part of all this is Lawrence claiming everyone's keys so no one can leave, and taking inventory of useful items like phones and weapons, so he can claim then and limit contact with the outside world.

We get some relationship drama with the kids, with the two boys hitting on the lone girl. See, this is why you don't have hormonal teens in your movie? Wait what? They're in their 20s??

Following that, we watch a doctor performing an autopsy on one of the victims, and she breaks down the signs of the att...LARNYX. She said LARNYX not *larynx* Oh hold on I need a second.

She slices open the cadaver to continue her investigation, and instead of normal stuff like blood gooshing out, it appears the body is now filled with nothing but sludge.

The next day, we meet Doctor Enright, an animal specialist, and a legit scientist as opposed to Corralis. This all leads to a pile of scenes getting the camp all set up for surveillance and this, this is why the movie is almost two hours long. It really could have skipped a lot of this.

Angela, the communications expert, explains to Corralis the lengthy procedure they have to go through to use the internet, instead of just going to sites and contacting the people he knows, because everything has to be approved and get oversight.

The coroner meanwhile takes up more screentime by trying to convince her boss to let her contact the FBI, because this shit is weird. Well, I have some good news for you, lady!

We finally get some actual investigation with Enright checking out the site where some sheep were killed, but she is very frustrated that the bodies were destroyed and the documentation as well, and has to hope for copies.

At least they find how the creature got beyond the fence, so they have something to go on.

A woman online? Now I KNOW this is fiction!

Back at base, Beach and Corralis are surfing the web, and Seth comments how gosh, the internet just gets better and better every day! Just wait until Gamergate and Snyder Bros and cryptocurrency. Now it's hell.

This is only day one, and all the authority figures are already getting very frustrated. See this is why you don't have a dozen main characters.

We at least start weaving plots together when Lawrence is informed about the coroner contacting the FBI, and he sends a handful of the cast to look over her findings.

Corralis is so amazed by it, he sweeps everything off the counter, comparing a few photos. But when the coroner describes something else, he asks for a photo, and gee I dunno, YOU JUST THREW EVERYTHING ON THE FLOOR! Check there in your mess.

Imagine calling the FBI for help, and these chucklefucks show up.

There's more bureaucratic drama with too many chefs being in charge, and we hear that their boss back at FBI HQ has called in...Oh for...ANOTHER CHARACTER?? Don't we have ENOUGH? There are too many characters, and none of them are dying fast enough!

Later, while typing up performance reviews, Roundtree thinks he sees something on surveillance, and goes to investigate. He runs into the original actress who was playing Enright, and he gets chuped. Well, got what I asked for, at least.

The next day, Angela gets Lawrence, and they check out the surveillance tape, seeing poor images of the chupacabra, and Roundtree going missing.

Finally, our final main character arrives - Gabriel Sinclair, a psychic. He immediately asks if there's anything he can do to help. Hey, you're the psychic, don't you know?

They organise a search party to try and find signs of the creature or Agent Roundtree. After a few minutes, Private Andy heads back to base to protect Angela, and he makes a joke about calling it the "boogeycabra". Well, I guess that's better than the boogeychupa, the snot sucker.

Beach and Johannson start making out, because that's what this movie needs. Well, it's more interesting than wandering the forest shouting "ROUNDTREE!" for several minutes.

Look, there’s round trees all over the place!

While wandering, they find the agent's gun, and keep searching hoping he's not fallen down a ravine or something.

Westlake asks Corralis how he can be an expert in something no one's seen, and we get MORE exposition, leading to Spring Heeled Jack, and the question, "Are you telling me Jack the Ripper was a chupacabra?" "Well, that's one theory..."

NO IT MOST ASSUREDLY WAS NOT. Lordt, I need a minute.

Eventually, Gabriel Sinclair feels around and in true Species fashion he tells us something bad happened here as he sees Roundtree get attacked.

But at least this allows us to short circuit aimlessly wandering the forest, and he leads them straight to the corpse.

While they get the body out of the tree the chupacabra shoved him into, back at base camp, Beach and Johannson are getting chupa'd off to pass the time.

At least, until Captain Lawrence shows up and interrupts them.

Since the chupe has started to hit the fan, Lawrence calls his supervisor to end this mission, but the best he can do is get them out in five days. This is such a hamfisted way to just build tension, and make them feel trapped, when they could easily, I dunno, drive away.

All of this has Corralis on edge, and he's trying to work himself up to asking for an outside line. During this, he says, "One of us may not be who he or she appears to be!" and oh. Oh no. It just hit me. A group of people. In an isolated location. With a shapeshifting creature. Picking them off. And trying to make us paranoid.

No. No no no, fuck right off. You are NOT The Thing! You're not even The Thing 2011, motherfucker!

Trapped in a cabin in the forest does not have the same effect as being trapped in an Antarctic Research base.

Sometime later, there's going to be another meeting. Angela grabs a shower while Andy does some rounds. He runs into a not!Angela, and ends up getting killed.

We learn that Lawrence has insomnia, stays up for days, and then crashes, but this doesn’t help his mental state.. They're trying to paint him as Captain Redd Herring, but I ain't buying.

Angela runs into the Chupacandrew, and ends up being next on its kill list, while everyone else gets to that meeting.

He looks like he could be David Boreanaz’s dad.

They find Angela's body, Andy is missing, and Lawrence is losing it, as he addresses those remaining. While placing a loaded gun on the table. At least the boiling plot is finally bubbling over.

Enright explains this creature's behaviour is off, it's not adhering to its feeding patterns, this was an attack. This was revenge. Westlake makes a crack about "Chupacabras in the hood," and sweet baby Kaufman, don't give them sequel ideas.

Skip starts freaking out, worried he has whatever is making the coroner sick, and Lawrence decides the best way to stop him from leaving is to shoot him. Oh yeah, this is going GREAT, guys.

That’s the worst case of waffle face I’ve ever seen.

Following the morning spot of murder over breakfast, everyone just kinda wanders off on their own. Enright, Sinclair, and Corralis are locked up together, and mister conspiracy theories starts rambling.

He tells them he thinks Lawrence is the creature, you know, The Thing! Lawrence is The Thing! SHUT UP SHUT UP I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

As if that wasn’t enough, Enright goes even further with what she says, and well…

Sinclair is pretty sure Lawrence is human though, since he shook his hand, and he convinces the rest. They still feel he's dangerous, but there's bigger cabras to chupa.

While Sinclair and Enright talk with Lawrence to make a plan to get to the chupa, Corralis goes to get the plan his 4chan buddies put together for him, and runs into Westlake.

Something happens off screen, and Corralis is killed, and everyone is flailing in the dark worried about who might be next.

Lawrence takes command without murdering one of his team for a change, and gets everyone inside to hunker down until daylight.

Those remaining split up once the sun is up, with Sinclair and Lawrence finding Andy's dead body, confused by how he never even drew his weapon.

When your mom says we have Doug Jones at home.

Westlake and Enright run into the chupacabra, and the others come running at the screams. After over 90 minutes, we get a big confrontation and meet the creature for the first time.

Enright tries to shoot the creature, but her gun fails to fire. Lawrence fortunately has a loaded, working weapon, and takes out the creature, and we still somehow have 12 minutes left.

They drag the body and Gabriel, who was hurt in the fight, back to base camp to recover and figure out what to do next.

While Gabriel wakes up, we see Westlake destroying the corpse, when Lawrence comes upon him. When he demands Westlake to stop, the doctor suddenly turns into Skip, gunshot wound in his forehead and all, and pounces the captain.

The pair of them struggle, and Westlake shoots Lawrence in the head. He feigns being attacked when Enright rushes in to see what's going on.

Enright realises Westlake is somehow involved, and Gabriel pieces it together, that Westlake is actually the same as the creature they killed. Two-pacabra!

There's a bit of a struggle with Westlake, and he shifts into multiple forms to keep Enright off her game. But eventually she grabs Lawrence's gun, and kills the other doctor.

So Enright and Sinclair gather up what evidence they can, including blood samples and reports, and drive off. As they do, she asks him, have you ever been to Kenya? They've got lions in Kenya.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It doesn’t look terrible, but it’s obviously an indie flick made around 2000. Could be a lot worse though.

Audio: It sounds fine.

Sound Bite: "Can't tell saliva from shinola!"

Body Count: It takes a while to get going, but I can’t fault this movie for it’s body count.

1 - Four minutes, during the credits, and the poor dog owner gets chuped.

2 - The ranger gets chuped

3 - Agent Roundtree gets chuped

4 - Andy gets chuped.

5 - Angela gets chuped

6 - Black haired kid gets shot by Big McLargehuge

7 - Corrallis gets chuped.

7 - The Chupa gets killed

8 - Lawrence gets shot by Westlake

9 - Doctor Enright kills the second Chupa

Best Corpse: Angela gets a pretty grisly scratched face.

Blood Type - C+: There’s not a lot of slashes and gore, but a fair share of it is solid. And the monster may look a big camp, but points for being unique.

Sex Appeal: Just some implied nudity when Angela and Andy chupe.

Drink Up! Whenever anyone says just “chupa”.

Movie Review: Okay, let me just say it…I actually like the idea here. A team going into the woods to try and track down a monster and it turns out to be something else, something more, than they expected…that’s solid. The acting is pretty good, especially the older stars. But oh man, almost two hours long?? So should not be that long. If you trimmed a few characters, pulled a few scenes, get this to a tight 90 minutes, this could be a fun, low budget creature feature. But it just drags so much. I appreciate it for what it is, but it just goes on and on when you just want the plot to get going. But points for trying, and what they did is good, it’s just too much. Three out of five bowls of chupa chowder.

Entertainment Value: If this didn’t have the decent acting, and fun writing, that it does, this would not work. But the interactions, the sense of humour, and all the pieces being generally of a certain quality, it’s almost a fairly fun watch. It helps those slower moments, to be sure. The effects are fun, there’s some good twists, and it never takes itself TOO seriously. I had a good ride with this, even if there’s room for improvement. Three out of five shapeshifts.