The Taint (2011) — Triskaidekafiles

THE TAINT

WRITER: Drew Bolduc

DIRECTOR: Drew Bolduc and Dan G. Nelson

STARRING: Drew Bolduc as Phil O'Ginny and Drew

Colleen Walsh as Misandra

Cody Crenshaw as Houdini

Kenneth Hall as Ludas

Ariel R. Canton as Gina

Joey Tran as Boss

Patrick Gaskill as Drew's dad

QUICK CUT: A student has to survive the perils of his gym teacher, a scientist, and a farmer, while hoping his past doesn’t catch up with him.

THE MORGUE

Phil - A high school student who is the slackiest of slackers. He has an attitude, he doesn’t care much about anything, and somehow he gets all the ladies

Misandra - A bad ass woman who has taken some extreme actions, and they have changed her. She feels like a park ranger.

Ludas - A man lurking on the edges of the story, with all the answers. He is a flamboyant character who has been deeply scarred by the events of the cockpocalypse.

Houdini - A former gym teacher that new Phil in the old world. Now he has taken his skills, kept in shape, survived, and gathered a band of followers in the apocalypse.

TRISK ASSESSMENT: Welcome back, Triskelions! This week, we are taking a look at the low budget gross out zombie? movie called "The Taint", from Troma. I didn't MEAN to do two Troma films back to back, but here we are. This is also a bit more modern day Troma, and these people are clearly inspired by vintage Troma, as we will soon learn, because this movie sure does have some imagery in it, and I am going to do my best to dance around it. Let's do this.

The movie opens up by wasting no time showing naked breasts. But after that, Phil wakes up from a nightmare, and into an even worse one. He's with a woman he just had sex with, but suddenly there's a creepy dude swinging two things you never want to see being swung around at you; a scythe and a severed penis.

Phil runs away, sees a severed head, the grim reaper shits on the ground, and Phil escapes into the credits.

He makes his way to the wrong side of the tracks, where the viaduct looms like a bird of doom, as they shift and crack...er, wait...Phil follows a blood trail and finds a mangled bloody body, which makes him throw up. A lot. On camera. I'm not even six minutes in, and this movie is already a lot.

Not sure how I feel about this Dirty Harry remake.

Phil draws his gun, and it's a good thing because a man shambles out of the woods with a rock, and a cock, spewing cum all over the place. I'm gonna need a minute.

Fortunately, Misandra jumps out of the forest, shoots the guy, and torches the corpse, all to Phil's surprise.

Phil expresses his dull surprise at all this, and Misandra is confused that he's confused, and doesn't know about the water.

Before we can have our own confusion dealt with, we jump to another group of women, who are soon beset by a large group of dick swingers. The women are all quickly dispatched by them.

2001: A Space Odyssey starts different than I remember.

But then we jump back to our main characters, and Misandra flashbacks to explain the plot. We get a long montage of her with her husband showing how much they love each other, and then one day he comes home from work, and asks for a glass of water.

And it was all down hill from there.

They continue their happiness by rushing upstairs to have sex, which we get to see from the inside, but then he starts to not feel very good. He snaps, starts choking Misandra, and shouting about how much he he hates women.

She manages to bash his head in, very literally, with a large glass paperweight or whatever, and then pulls out his brain for...no particular reason.

Now that we have established something in the water is turning men into raging misogynists with massive hard ons and constantly spraying cum, we jump back to the present. I can’t believe I just typed that.

Phil is very thirsty, but they have to make their way to a well that is hopefully untainted. As they travel, we see a mysterious figure behind them.

A woman screams, so Phil and Misandra rush to her aid. They're too late though, and with a cry of "NOOOO! She was SO HOT!" Phil switches to his black murder sunglasses, attacks the dick swinger and kills him with a punch and a stomp. The pair deal with a few more, and continue on their way.

Phil stumbles upon an abandoned building, or at least it was. Now it is inhabited by Mr. Johnson, his school's gym teacher, who goes by Houdini now. Because it's the apocalypse.

We meet "Houdini's" whole crew; Brown Eye, Balloon Knot, Chili Dog, Suave Daddy, Pink Sock, and Alligator Fuckhouse. Great. A whole pirate crew with jolly pirate nicknames.

Misandra finds her way to the enclave, and all the men go wild, wanting to assault her. Phil is having none of that nonsense, and swaps to his killing shades again.

Everyone scurries into a building to have an arena death match, and it should be no surprise the arguably athletic gym teacher pummels his lazy former student.

That is, until that mysterious figure from earlier shows up and tears off Houdini's face, and his goons scurry out of the movie. So long, Alligator Fuckhouse, long may you be remembered as the greatest name in all of cinema history.

We learn the man who saved them is named Ludas, and he is a very flamboyant man indeed. He is loud, shouty, and dresses almost as loudly as his voice.

He takes them to, and this is a direct quote, his friend's parent's basement. Sometimes the apocalypse just be like that.

Ludas explains that he does not have any water, only wine, but at least it's not tainted, and it has kept him from giving way to madness..

He rants for a bit, and then offers them some "winey goodness" and then tells them his story, revealing he was a scientist working with another pair of scientists. Proto Ludas is sweet on Gina, and she seems nice enough to him.

For whatever they're creating, the other scientist who is totally not Phil playing another roll, sticks a needle into Ludas' nuts, and extract a chemical.

Synthesizing this into a drug will enable them to "supercharge the cock" to increase the chances of getting their dick sucked.

SCIENCE!

They return to their basement lab, Gina leaves them for another job, and the other scientist's dad comes in to complain that someone has been in his wine collection. He mocks his son's work, and then accidentally picks up a glass of their "cokzantium" serum and drinks it's raw, concentrated form, sending him into a rage. Among other things.

Ludas goes to see the guy who funded their project, to tell him it must be stopped. But instead, he releases cokzantium into the water supply, so everyone can have their dick sucked. Ludas kills his boss, but it's too late. At least he got to live out the American dream

Johnson and a few of his early goons run into Ludas, knowing he caused the apocalypse, and rip his face off. So I guess that Johnson’s death was a bit poetic.

Things then montage through his descent into madness as he tries to make a solution, or a giant cockmonster or something, but man...this guy's life utterly fell apart in under two weeks.

It’s just a little bloody, it’s still good, it’s still good!

We then jump almost immediately into Phil's flashback story, where he's your under average slacker student who does nothing, but somehow has a girlfriend.

Another girl comes along, insisting they need to talk. Alone. Once they're back at Phil's house, Sandy reveals she's pregnant with his baby.

She can't keep it, and in this world, abortions are illegal, so Phil decides to do it himself. He puts on his black sunglasses, revealing the origins of why they're his killin' shades, and finds a coat hanger to do the deed.

Back in the present, Ludas uses this knowledge to taunt Phil, saying he's just as bad as the crazed people on cokzantium. And if he isn't he soon will be, because the wine...WAS TAINTED!

Ludas gets shot, but doesn't go down, and kills Missandra by bashing his cock through her skull. Phil then finishes the job, and stumbles back out into the world, alone.

This is why safety glasses are important.

We then watch a cavalcade of cock carnage as Phil slaughters every Tainted man he sees.

He cleans himself off with the American flag, drapes the blood and cum soaked flag over his shoulders, and the carnage continues.

Which pretty much is the end of the movie, as Phil fights as best he can against the waves of misogyny destroying women's lives.

I hate how this movie might end up being the most accurate Apocalypse.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: This looks good, as you would expect from 2011.

Audio: Sounds good too!

Sound Bite: Oh, I need to share a few here.
"Who was that large-cocked man?"

"Nobody blocks my cock!"

"It's just not an apocalypse without a circle of death!"

Body Count: Holy potatoes, there sure was a lot in this. Brace yourself, and I’m sure I missed some.

1 - Seven minutes in and the first zombie or whatever is shot.

2 - A woman is flung off a bridge

3 - Another's head is smashed on a pipe

4 - A third is burned with gasoline

5 - A fourth's face is smashed with a rock

6 - Missandra bashes her boyfriend's head in, during a flashback.

7 - She then shoots a random person

8 - Another woman gets her skull crushed by a rock

9 - The tainted who did it gets his own face stomped

10 - And another tainted is shot a bunch

11 - Houdini gets his face ripped off by Ludas

12 - Drew's dad kills him

13 - Proto Ludas kills Drew's dad

14 - The boss gets shot by Ludas

15 - Gina is found with her head bashed by a post

16 - A random woman gets her hed smashed in a car door

17 - A random woman is shot in the apocalypse

18 - Missandra gets her face cocked out from behind

19 - Phil shoots Ludas in the head

20 - And then he shoots a guy's dick off

21 - And another...yes, you read that right.

22 - And then he rips someone's dick off.

23 - And then shoots a third

24 - And a fourth

25 - Aaaand then it's just a montage of dicksplosions

26? - And then we're back to shooting dicks

27 - And another

28 - A gang carves a woman's head in half

29 - They then hack up another woman

Best Corpse: Talk about an embarrassment of riches. My choice will probably be, and I almost hate to admit it, Misandra’s death. The effect of Ludas’ penis bashing through her face from the back of her skull was very well done, and unexpected.

Blood Type - A: Some good blood, some very nice effects, and a lot of goopy stuff. Very well done.

Sex Appeal: Oh, I am a little uncomfortable talking about the level of sexuality in this movie is. It’s either women being objectified then murdered, or lots of cocks. But hey, it’s there!

Drink Up! Every time there’s a flashback.
If I made it “every time there’s a dick” I’d kill you in 20 minutes.

Movie Review: The plot is absurd, it hangs together in the loosest sense, but it’s better than some of our other average movies here. There’s a lot of creative shots, and a lot of heart. It’s absurd, but it’s meant to be. It’s over the top, but it’s meant to be. It had a goal, and it did it. This is DEFINITELY not a movie for everyone, and it very much has the feeling of being edgy just to be edgy, but it’s coherent, and well shot, with good effects. Three out of five bottles of wine

Entertainment Value: This is a silly, goofy movie, and it knows it. There are a bunch of laughs, from line deliveries, to silly situations, to scenes going on too long. The deaths are fun and creative and gooey. But again, this movie is not for everyone, and it is trying a bit too hard. Still, if you can handle endless dicks waving cum around, and want a bit of grossout humour with ridiculous situations, this movie might fit the bill. Three out of five Alligator Fuckhouses