Death Machines (1976) — Triskaidekafiles

DEATH MACHINES

WRITERS: Screenplay by Joe Walders & Paul Kyriazi

Original Story by Joe Walders

DIRECTOR: Paul Kyriazi

STARRING: Ron Marchini as White Death Machine

Michael Chong as Asian Death Machine

Joshua Johnson as Black Death Machine

Mari Honjo as Madame Lee

Ron Ackerman as Lt. Clay Forrester

QUICK CUT: A martial arts class deals with some new rivals in town.

THE MORGUE

Madame Lee - A ruthless woman in charge of a new group of assassins for hire.

Mr. Gioletti - A mob boss who frequently employs assassins, and has fallen into hiring Lee.

Lt. Forrester - A cop with no time for paperwork, and only wants to stop crime.

Frank - A karate student on the rise, until he is attacked, and spends most of the movie spiraling througn depression and vengeance.

Great, even Death’s job is becoming automated.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! A little while ago, I looked at the Brad Dourif flick, Death Machine. The singular. While trying to track that down, I kept running into this movie, Death MachineS. It's more, so must be better! I thought I had a reason for doing it now, and not circling back to it a year after the Dourif version, but I'll be damned if I can remember it now... Anyways, let's get into this.

Now...you've seen the cover art for this movie. You might've seen some of the taglines on it. You've seen the title screencap...and all of this sets up a certain expectation in my mind for what this movie was gonna be.

I was expecting to see some sort of low budget 70s scifi cheese, and the credits continued to lean into the built expectations, by focusing on that wicked cool pillar in the art, and some funky music.

What I was NOT expecting was...well...

I was definitely not expecting everybody to be kung fu fighting.

The movie's first scene is three pairs of fighters going at it, while Madame Lee watches on. Each of the fights has a clear winner, one of which hilariously pulls an Indiana Jones almost five years early, by just...shooting his opponent.

After their victories, Lee goes into a dark room to speak to a shadowy figure, the person responsible for all of this. This man explains these men are now under his control, his new deadly assassins. Trained killers who absolutely will not stop.

I'm just gonna spoil this now...we never learn who the shadowy mastermind is. It was teased for a potential sequel that never came, a plot thread they could pull on later.

To give the new assassin triad, the Death Machines, one last test in the real world, they decide to send them against another organization of assassins, whose services are currently being bought by a Mr. Gioletti.

Mr. G hires the rival assassins to take out two men for him, and we watch as one sniper gets set up on the roof of a building...only to have the Death Machines stop him before he can take the shot.

And they don't just *stop* him, they throw him off the top of the book depository to splat on the pavement below.

The next day has another assassin setting up to try for target number two, and at least he's staying on the ground this time. I don't know how the Death Machines will take...

Oh fffffft... They pull up near by, get out of their car, and we watch as one of them pulls out A WHOLE FREAKIN' ROCKET LAUNCHER to take out the sniper with. And they’re not all THAT far away.

You don't know how much I wish I could make some sort of joke with the Person of Interest escalating guns meme right now.

Poor guy brought a rifle to a bazooka fight.

Gioletti gets the bad news that both of his assassination attempts have been foiled, and he takes it about as well as a criminal would with his crimes being stopped.

The middleman who handles all the arrangements calls Mr. G from a phone booth in the middle of nowhere, a solid precaution, and gives him the news.

While he does, and tells Gioletti he has no idea who is doing all this, a bulldozer driven by the White Death Machine creeps up and eventually runs the phone booth, and the contractor inside, over.

The instant Gioletti hangs up, he gets a call from Madame Lee. She informs him that she is the source of all his problems, all to prove, so she claims, that her men are the better assassins. And they are available...for a price.

Mr. G flies in to meet with Lee, and his driver drops him off at her estate. He wants Gioletti to not go in alone, but the mob boss is sure of himself, and sends the guy off to get dinner on his own.

Gioletti demands a demonstration, and Madame Lee is happy to oblige, after they have something to eat, and talk. Speaking of, bodyguard Mike is enjoying some spaghetti, until he finds a statue hidden under the spaghetti.

Uhhh, waiter? There’s a Buddha in my meal…

Mike complains to the owner, and while he waits for the chef to get yelled at, we see a pair of headlights growing ever closer in the window next to Mike's table, until a truck crashes through the wall. It's a really fun, effective gag.

The Death Machines meet Mike, and he holds his own for a few seconds, until...we cut back to Gioletti's dinner as it comes to a close.

Lee has a basket brought to the mob boss, and when he opens it, inside he finds the severed head of Mike.

Gioletti is angered by this, and after a moment, shoots the wine server without a second word. As he later says, you killed my driver, I killed your waiter. We're even.

Lee's right hand man briefs the Death Machines on their next assignment, to take out the karate teacher they stopped from being killed earlier.

We sit through a long karate training session, before the Death Machines come bursting through the window, and murder the entire class. Or damned close.

Oh, this is gonna be fun to try and tally up later.

Frank, one of the students, gets his hand sliced off, and ends up being the only known survivor of the massacre.

The cops get called in thanks to all the commotion, and when detectives Forrester and Farnham show up, all they find is a pile of bodies.

I'm not gonna spend as much time with the cops as the movie does, but they're almost a bit of comedic relief. Forrester is the kinda cop who just wants to get things done, and not deal with paperwork or an often mentioned "human relations class" he's supposed to be attending. probably for exactly these reasons.

The police chief DOES get in a few good jokes, but ultimately their scenes are just to give the audience a chance to breathe, try and pull some threads together, and get in a few laughs.

Our detectives get the call that Frank is awake, and go to question him. They show him a Buddha they found at the scene, that he says the karate instructor received before class. As the cops leave, we learn Frank has received one as well.

The cops figure out this is the assassins' calling card, and Frank must be a target, as a survivor. And as expected, they show up to try and murder Frank.

But the Buddha served as a warning, and they got the guy out of there before they could strike. A fight ensues, and two of the three Death Machines get away, and one of them gets shot. Again and again.

See, for some reason, they shrug off most bullets. They mention “armored vests” but I’m not sure how much that holds up to scrutiny. Anyways, this one does eventually get stopped when the cop on duty guarding Frank goes for a head shot

Madame Lee isn't happy when she receives the news that one of her new toys is missing, dead, or captured, and tries to take it out on the other Death Machines. We start to see here, they are not as under control as she thinks. It's never quite clear if it's their own selves breaking through, or the master controller pulling the strings, and setting Lee up.

The White Death Machine is taken into interrogation, since the head wound was only a glancing blow. But he remains as silent as ever, and uses the opportunity once he is uncuffed, to fight his way out of the station.

He then makes his way to a phone booth, and calls for help. Oh, if only he got hit by a bulldozer. The poetic irony would be delicious.

Instead, he heads to a nearby diner, where the owners show him some compassion, and some bikers give him a tough time. This rings like trying to build sympathy for the guy, but it feels so out of place.

Just as they're starting to beat on the White Death Machine, his two buddies show up, and once again everyone is kung fu fighting. And somehow, not a single person gets flung through the diner's window.

Now that the three Death Machines are reunited, the plot can actually continue, and go after Gioletti's second target. Yeah, remember that guy?? But before they can have a talk with Mr. Adams, they get some compromising pictures of his daughter.

The next day, Lee's right hand pays the banker a visit, and tells him he will be resigning by the end of the day, so Gioletti can place someone loyal to him in charge.

Even with all the blackmail, Adams refuses to resign, so the other guy cuffs the banker to his filing cabinet, and sets him up the bomb to take him out of the picture.

You are about to reach a higher state of enlightenment.

And it is at this point the plot grinds to a halt to focus almost entirely on Frank, as he's moping around town. He gets paid a visit by the nurse he was getting friendly with, and she cheers him up while they pad out the movie at the local bar.

For no particularly great reason, a pretty solid fight breaks out at the bar, at least. AND something breaks the front window! So it's not entirely bad, it's just so off to the side.

The nurse convinces Frank to get away for a few days and clear his head, since he's dealing with a lot. As they're leaving town, the Death Machines JUST so happen to drive by, to conclude their contract with Mr. Gioletti. Which is such a wild coincidence, I was hoping it was all a plot to lure Frank, as he rushes off to follow them for revenge.

Frank makes the nurse get out and call the cops at least, as he drives off in pursuit. And the weird pacing continues as we then follow a long quiet scene of Frank following the Death Machines.

In another world, Frank, a supposed karate student, would not have spent the movie getting his ass kicked, overcoming his trauma and injury, and in his dogged pursuit of the men, he would end up being inadvertently "recruited" and mind controlled as a new assassin.

Frank follows them to the remote private patch of dirt Gioletti uses as an airstrip, and watches as the final payment is dropped off. In response, the Death Machines bring back the rocket launcher, and destroy the plane, and Gioletti along with it.

Everyone heads back to Madame Lee's estate, and she has grown too suspicious of her toys, so sends her minion to take out three highly trained mind controlled assassins.

I guess you should always be sure of WHO is the mind controlling your assassins, because the movie makes you think they're all taken out, but once the police arrive, it is revealed that they killed the right hand man, and fled to assassinate another day.

And I can't believe that, as Frank sneaks around the house, Madame Lee bursts out of a door, and the movie TOTALLY tries to riff on the classic climax to Psycho. It's a ballsy move.

CAP: Oh god, mother! Blood!

She chases after him with a sword, and is about to land a fatal blow, when the cops show up and shoot her dead.

The movie closes as the Death Machines make good their escape at an airport, and an AWKWARDLY long freeze frame of them, and no credits. Did something go wrong here?

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: This looks really good. Vinegar Syndrome does a great job, once again.

Audio: It’s about what you’d expect

Body Count: Oh so many… And I just ain’t gonna try to count who all died in the karate class. And even then, I probably missed some.

1 - Four minutes in, and one guy, I think, gets choked by his own weapon.

2 - And then another gets tossed in the pond.

3 - And then a third gets SHOT.

5 - The sniper gets flung off the building

6 - The other sniper gets bazooka'd

7 - The assassin contractor gets crushed

8 - The assassins kill Mike off screen

9 - Mr. Gioletti shoots the server

10 - Saving myself some time, an entire karate class is wiped out

11 - A cop gets hit with friendly fire

12 - And then another

13 - And a third

14 - Mr Adams go boom

15 - Guiletti gets blowed up

16 - I'm sure there was a pilot in there too.

20 - The cops shoot the madame in charge.

21 - Mr. Lu is found dead.

Best Corpse: Flinging the guy off the building is a highlight

Blood Type - D+: Shockingly little blood, but there’s a few moments.

Sex Appeal: There’s a few women going around topless, and the Death Machines spend much time in tank tops or shirtless themselves.

Drink Up! Every time someone mentions the human relations class.

Movie Review: Once the initial shock of not being what I expected died down, I actually came around to quite enjoying this. The plot is very messy, however. It’s a bit all over the place. It feels like three different movies going at once. The movie doesn’t really know who the main characters are, it suddenly shifts to Frank for a long, long time. But it’s fairly well made, the fighting is good, and for the most part, it’s a good story. It’s very 70s, but that’s not a bad thing. The director definitely has some talent, and threw in some fun action. Three out of five Death Machines

Entertainment Value: A lot of the fun is had with the cops, as I said. But the action is worthwhile, and you get curious on just where all this is going. I’m not sure the whole journey was worth it, but it was definitely interesting. Two out of five heads in a basket.