Curse of the Cannibal Confederates (1982)

CURSE OF THE CANNIBAL CONFEDERATES

WRITERS: Screenplay by Lon Huber

Original Story Concept by Tony Starke

DIRECTOR: Tony Malanowski

STARRING: Steve Sandkuhler as Wyatt

Christopher Gummer as Mel

Rebecca Bach as Sarah

Judy Dixon as Lin

Mark Redfield as Captain Matthew Mahler

Jim Ball as Bill

Bump Roberts as Deputy Franklin

Richard Ruxton as Police Captain Hal Fritz

Mimi Ishikawa as Blind Kiyomi

QUICK CUT: Some hunters run into another group in the woods, and fight over who gets the campsite.

THE MORGUE

Sarah - One of the women in the lead group. She’s a feminist, and constantly telling people she’s as good and capable as any man. She also really hates bugs.

Bill - Sarah’s boyfriend, who hates feminism, and constantly trying to stop her from saying girl’s can do things.

Mel - One of the guys, a bit of a klepto, and constantly getting into trouble.

Kiyomi - A blind girl who’s dating Mel, and has strange visions. She’s loyal, and struggling to be more independent.

Lin - Kiyomi’s sister, and constantly pushing her sister to do things for herself, tired of always being the one to do things for her.

Wyatt - The other guy. Yeah, that’s about his personality.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! It's July, so time to look at some patriotic horror with...the Curse of the Cannibal Confederates? Huh, not sure how long I can keep this up, if I'm already scraping the barrel with this one. While doing what little research I ever do for these things, I saw Lloyd Kaufman considers this one of the five worst films in the Troma catalogue. Oh noooo.

After some shots of the Southern troops climbing up out of their graves, which I believe is preused from later in the film but I don't want to go confirm that, we meet our main cast; a trio of couples riding in an RV in the middle of nowhere shooting the shit.

Why do I feel like I have stumbled into Pod People??

The boys are all piled in the front seat arguing, and the only thing of interest is one of the guys has a reputation for stealing. This will, shockingly, come back to haunt the narrative later.

Tony Starke wrote this movie, in a CAVE! with a box of SCRAPS!

In the back are the three women, and since we never see more than one on screen at a time, and the dialogue is obviously spliced together, I want to know if ANY of them were ever in the scene together.

One of the women, Kiyomi, declares it's too hot, so howabout everyone strip down into something more comfortable.

And if you think this is all a ploy to get a pinch of skin in the movie...you're probably right! Because not five seconds out of the RV, is it declared too cold, and let's put our clothes back on!

Female armour versus male armour in video games.

Oh, and the other important plot point is Mel showing off the exploding bullets he brought with him. Hmm, I'm sure those will not come in handy at any point during the zombie movie.

I am liking Sarah, as she brings a touch of feminism to the plot, complaining that she's just as capable as any of the men. Much to her boyfriend's constant complaints.

As they finally start heading out into the woods, Mel takes a shot, startling Kiyomi. This is when we find out she's blind, and I dunno, it feels like having a character wandering around for 13 minutes before that's made clear is a bit late.

She claims she hears bells, some brush it off as just after effects of the gun going off near her, but Mel agrees to go and see if he can find anything.

Dude wanders into the forest and out of the plot.

And what I mean by that is, not that Mel disappears and dies off camera or anything like that, but the movie just follows him and him alone, for six minutes straight of just...wandering. Seriously, how long does this go on for??

He does eventually find the ruins of a church, and then uncovers an old box. Inside he finds a Dukes of Hazard bedspread, and a Civil War era journal, that he decides to keep.

Back with the rest of the movie, Kiyomi continues to hear Mel's bells, but no one else does. Mel finally wanders out of the woods, eager to show the gang what he found.

As he leads them up to the ruins, he also says he found a spot where they can set up camp, and check out the nearby graveyard...Oh THAT can't go wrong, not at all.

The rest of them find the box in the church, and couldn't we have compressed these two scenes into one and saved some time? Something like, “Hey, let’s go see if we all can find the bells, oh hey, there’s a box".

And this is when I stop liking Sarah. She figures the flag must be worth a lot of money, since it's apparently from the time of the war, and is VERY VERY insistent that they take it. Geeze, calm down girl. It would be one thing to think the idea and even voice it, I get it, but the level to which she pushes to steal it is almost pathological.

I thought MEL was the thief in this little group?

There is an urge to describe the characters in terms of which ones would be for and which would be against tearing down Confederate statues, but I resist.

Sarah is upset at no one listening to her, and being told to shut up, so now SHE goes and wanders around the forest alone for five minutes. Holy crap this movie is padded out. KILL SOMEONE ALREADY.

Just look at all these graves I could be robbing…

Fortunately, Sarah's wanderings aren't QUITE as bad as Mel’s, as they are cut short when the gravestone she's leaning against moves and shoves her away.

They all settle down and make camp, and they see some strange lights up by the church. They assume it's another group of campers, and if only they could be bothered to, or have the budget, to show us what the "strange fireworks" look like. Because this movie sure could use any sort of intrigue at this point.

Instead of crashing the "party" they envision from the "other campers", they all decide to get some sleep to get up early and do hunting. Which is a good thing, because at the church, instead of a party, the cannibal Confederates are rising up out of their graves. Finally.

At least, I assume so, because the film is of such poor quality, that I CAN'T SEE SHIT. There are occasional flashes of serious whiteface, but otherwise it's the murkiest black this side of AVPR.

We are also creeping up on almost being halfway done with the movie by the time these guys finish clawing their way out of the dirt.

Back at the camp, we spend some time with what everyone is doing in their tents. Of note is Mel reading from his purloined journal. Kiyomi hears him rustling around, and insists he read some of it to her.

There's also a comment that "Even Sarah reads to me, and I don't even LIKE her!" Does...does ANYone in this movie like Sarah?? I’m coming back around to her side just out of pity.

And the little blind girl was grabbed by the monster in the woods and eaten, THE END! Now go to sleep!

Kiyomi instantly knows the book is from the church, and that Mel stole it. She feels the book is evil, and tells Mel how she has always gotten feelings and almost premonitions of events, and is feeling that now.

Those cannibal confederates crawled up out of the dirt ten minutes ago, and have yet to make any further appearance in this thing. We're creeping up on final act time.

As if on cue, they do actually show up to wake everyone up, and cause a scene. They give the canon fodder a tough time, and refuse to die.

*blink blink* At least until there's a headshot, and the exploding head makes zombie fall down go boom. I guess those exploding bullets came in handy.

They grab the fireworks they brought up with them, toss them in the fire and because *handwaves* a bunch of Cannibal Confederates die in flames.

Psychos? Did they look like psychos?! Psychos do not EXPLODE when fireworks hit them!!

As the sun comes up, they make a plan to keep moving, try and stay ahead of the zombies, since they're "going to fight like soldiers". Well, y'all should be screwed then.

They instantly are accosted by another group of Cannibal Confederates, that they somehow dispatch quickly. Huh, they are suddenly dying a lot easier, for no particular reason.

We keep moving, which is a delightful change of pace for this plot, and somehow an entire day has passed. That was quick. They debate making camp, but they know they're still being followed, so press onwards into the night.

I regret that I have but two lives to give for my country.

Suddenly, a pair of cops show up. From where? Who are they? Why? If only there had been a previous hour of movie, and not dropping more people into the movie last minute.

The one upside of this, is that the cops are at least gonna escort these chucklefucks out of the woods, so they're not lost anymore.

While the captain calls this in to the station, and plans to drag Mel in for using illegal bullets, deputy Franklin goes to see if he can find the Confederates. Oh good, time for someone ELSE to wander the woods for five minutes.

We also learn they are up on "Agony Ridge" which is such a great name I had to point it out.

The captain explains to the groupwhat he thinks is going on, that it's just some kids playing elaborate pranks, when Franklin comes bursting through the trees, zombies nipping at his heels.

I see we're finally getting to the "cannibal" part of the movie, with only 20 minutes to go. Better late than never, I suppose.

I ate the sheriff, but I did not eat the deputy…

At least we do get a bit of an extended action sequence as the zombies mill about, eat people, and there's gunplay to be had. It could be worse. But it would also be nice to see anything in the murk.

However, the downside is, the shockingly few people who die during all this. Most of the deaths are the Cannibal Confederates, and the cops.

Sadly, the main group does lose Bill, which is a bummer since his only crime was whining about feminism.

And holy shit, the movie then torments us with nearly five minutes straight of the sounds of people eating and shlurping up Bill's innards. It drops out all other sounds, the music goes away, there is no dialogue, just the sounds of eating and lip smacking and moans.

This is up there with one of the more uncomfortable scenes I've sat through. There is a BRIEF respite through all that when they cut back to the people regrouping, but then it's right back to feeding time.

As the survivors try to get away, they run into even more zombies, and out of everyone they could eat, it's poor Kiyomi that takes the fall. She was even less deserving than Bill.

There is a lot of running around, and just to get this over with, someone finally points out, "Hey! Mel should return the journal he stole!"

We do get some insights from the diary about why this is happening, the general had a slave who knew voodoo is the long and short of it, and the troops were subjected to torture by the Union soldiers that captured them.

The soldiers continue to attack, eat Kiyomi, and wave a flag at Mel, killing him. Wyatt hands over the journal, and the soldiers wander off to go put themselves back in the grave, in a wild anticlimax.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Oh so bad. It’s been awhile since something this bad has hit the site. It’s good enough that MOST stuff can be followed, but the darkness devours most of the night scenes, and everything is all a little blocky.

Audio: Not great, but better than the video, at least.

Sound Bite: “Yeah, up at Agony Ridge...no, I don't know why they call it that."

Body Count: A surprising amount of deaths, even if most of them are random zombies. There’s also a chance I missed a few, or counted some twice, since things are so dark at times.

1 - 49 minutes into the movie, and one of the Cannibal Confederates get shot.

2 - Another explodes! when they take a headshot

3 - And then another

4 - One of the Confederates bursts into flames from the fireworks

5 - And another

6 - And at least one more

7 - One of the "scouts" gets shot

8 - And another

9 - And the third

10 - The cannibal confederates eat the deputy

11 - Another confderates gets a adshot

12 - And another

13 - And a third

14 - And a fourth

15 - The main cop gets eaten

16 - Bill get grabbed and eaten

17 - Another soldier is hot

18 - And then another

19 - And then another

20 - And one more

21 - Another solider gets shot in the head some time later

22 - Kiyomi gets eaten

23 - Another headshot zombie

24 - Mel gets..a flag waved at him?

Best Corpse: That first zombie headshot explosion certainly woke me up.

Blood Type - C-: I feel like the grade SHOULD be better, but with so much hard to see, it’s tough to judge. The zombie makeup isn’t bad, even if it is sometimes a bit over the top and blows out the image. There’s a few good entrails scenes. I just wish I could see more of it.

Sex Appeal: Women in bikinis is the best we got here.

Drink Up! every time Bill complains about feminism.

Movie Review: Urgh. I’m kinda with Lloyd on this one, this is a rough movie. Not quite as bad as Buttcrack, but it comes close. In all honesty, the very core idea is NOT bad. Dude finds an old cursed journal, and his stealing it dooms the narrative. But this is SO padded, that it takes a lot away from it. The acting isn’t half bad for this budget of a movie, and the characters are almost all fairly notable. Save for Wyatt, who is just kinda…there. They DO actually try, and with a tighter script, or more to do, a remake isn’t the worst idea. Still, this gets two out of three exploding bullets.

Entertainment Value: Oh, if this wasn’t so padded, this section would be higher. I genuinely like the characters and interplay between them. Those are solid scenes, and Mel’s thievery and being annoyed for getting called out on it, is fun. But when you have characters wandering the woods for long stretches, not talking, not doing anything, it just gets tedious. When the movie finally gets to the action, it picks WAY up, and again, sudden exploding zombies, definitely caught my attention. A very, very mixed bag. A few notable moments in a sea of wandering leave this with two out of five boxes in abandoned churches