Bloodletting (1997) — Triskaidekafiles

BLOODLETTING

WRITER: Matthew Jason Walsh

DIRECTOR: Matthew Jason Walsh

STARRING: Ariauna Albright as Serena Stalin

James L. Edwards as Butch Harlow/Walt Lipsky

QUICK CUT: A teacher develops a dangerous relationship with his student as the pair fall deeper in love.

THE MORGUE

Walt - An average guy who lives alone and is the quiet, stay at home type that doesn’t want to bother anyone. Oh, and he likes to kill people.

Serena - A woman who tracks down Walt so she can be taught how to kill, and she develops an unhealthy taste for blood, and falls hard for Walt.

I’ve got the ways and means to New Orleans…

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! Valentines is tomorrow, and I am back with this year's Just Wrong Kinda Love story, called Bloodletting. This is another movie from J.R. Bookwalter and friends, with a few familiar faces from other movies they've done. So let's get into it.

The movie opens up on a crime scene, as police are cordoning off a house, where the Milhouse family has been found murdered. And I am going to breeze through this, because, spoilers, this ultimately has zero bearing on the plot.

It is believed the family was murdered by Butch Harlow, because it matches a number of his signs, including the bloody message, "I've killed before," a reference to the short film this grew out of.

A cop describes the bodies to one of the rubberneckers outside that the bodies are stacked up like cord wood, "covered in blood and brains and chunks of intestine." And uhh, buddy, you got a very interesting idea of "cord wood" there.

But after that, we get into the story proper, and meet Serena, who was at least at the crime scene, so there's not a total disconnect. She's posing as an *ahem* Avalon sales rep, and visiting someone's home, armed with a gun and empty makeup case.

She rings the doorbell and asks if the man who answers the door is Walt Lipsky, if his wife is home, but he's not married, and oh darn. Still, it's her first day, and gosh, if she could just make any small sale, it would mean a lot!

Walt relents and lets her in, and quickly finds out her makeup case is empty. She runs for the door, but he's locked it, and says they're magnetic locks like in psych wards, and his windows are plexiglass and can't be broken.

As Walt advances on Serena, she reveals that Walt is not Walt at all, but actually Butch Harlow. She says he's had plastic surgery so no one will recognise him, which is convenient.

Imagine spending all that money on plastic surgery an you get this.

He rightly points out how very not smart it is to track down the serial killer, enter his serial killer lair, and reveal she knows his serial killer secret identity. But she's sure he won't kill her, because like any smart person, she has a friend waiting with a letter and everything she knows, should she disappear.

Serena reveals Butch killed and assaulted her friend, and never knew she was watching, so he assumes revenge. But no, she wants him to teach her how to be a serial killer, just like Butch. She justifies this desire because Butch has never been caught, and because the night she watched him murder her friend, she had her first orgasm. TMI, but sure.

Eventually, Walt agrees, and they head down to the basement, because class is now in session.

Lesson number one is, why does he do it? And it's very simply, it's an uncrossable line, and when you take that step, it's such a rush of power, doing something so forbidden.

Lesson number two is, do's and don'ts. Don't kill anyone you know, "dipshit mistake number one". Don't write about it Guns are a bitch. Loud, easy to trace, and identify, so don't use guns.

He then turns to talking about knives, and stabbing people, and I just gotta say, this is a HOOT. We've had James L. Edwards in a number of movies here now, and he's always fun on screen. He has such an effortless delivery, and this is a whole lotta dialogue he has, and he crushes it. It’s fun, it’s fairly well thought out, and he delivers it with a bit of a sense of humour.

Then there's the methodology of picking his victims, because he has no singular type, he kills a little bit of everyone. Well, that's the way you do it.

And the final, most important lesson, do not stop in the middle. Once you've pulled a blade, or a weapon, or whatever, you are committed. You have to finish the job. They've seen your face, and if they get away, it is over.

So finally we get to do a little class project with some hands on experience, and Walt has a woman that friends have been trying to set him up with come over. This is a bit of a stretch for "kill only people you don't know" but I guess there's always some level of Kevin Bacon between us.

Bobbie Jo shows up, very drunk, and very down for what she thinks is gonna be a threesome. They get her down to the basement, and Serena wastes no time taking out a knife.

She does however waste time getting the knife stuck in somewhere, and their victim starts to scream. Walt holds onto her, while Serena attempts her first kill, by stabbing Bobbie Jo in the gut.

And as anyone knows, gut wounds are not the most efficient way to kill someone. They're messy, they take a long time, and the pair of murderers yell about it, until Serena finishes the job...or she tries to, by stabbing the heart. Unfortunately, she misses, and just makes things worse by stabbing a lung.

Walt finally finishes the poor girl off with a blunt object to the head.

Now that she has claimed her first victim, or at least been an accessory, since Walt did the heavy lifting, Serena gets a little horny, and the two screw right next to the corpse.

Thus begins the next lesson, and this one involves a field trip to the post office!: disposing of the body. They hack the body up into pieces with a chainsaw, package them up, and mail bits and pieces all over the country. Clever, but it can't be that practical. I guess with no return address...oh I should not be pondering this too deeply.

Serena and Walt grab a bite to eat after they mail their packages, hanging out at a nearby cemetery, and the two have a bit of a heart to heart over the gravestones. And this all culminates in the pair professing their love for each other.

Oh, and planning to go kill Serena's soon to be ex boyfriend, Rupert. Again with killing someone you know...

Rupert is, to put it mildly, a real piece of work. He "gets into bar fights for a living" per Serena's description, he threatens to beat both of them, and he gets most angry when Serena says she's leaving him.

Have you heard the word of our lord and saviour, John Wayne Gacy?

Serena sends Walt to go get her clothes while she deals with the ex, and Rupert is about ready to belt her, and he asks if she told her new boyfriend about how messed up she is because of what happened to her and her mom.

But no, she hasn't mentioned that yet (But hey, she wants to be a killer, so it's kinda obvi, right?) and instead she says all she told Walt was where to find Rupert's dad's old shotgun.

And with a cock of the gun, Walt returns with a gleeful smile on his face, and ready to get down to business.

So much for "guns are a bitch" but they try and brush that aside by saying this one is registered to Rupert, so it's less of a problem. Sure, fine, I don't wanna scratch this movie's logic too deeply.

With Rupert at gunpoint, Walt explains the rules of the game, and to be careful or he will give Rupert a "12 guage root canal".

They play a twisted variation on "This Little Piggy" and all Rupert has to do is say what each Piggy does as Serena grabs the corresponding finger. If he's wrong, or doesn’t follow the rules, he loses a finger.

This little piggy went to the butcher shop.

Rupert gets the first one, but makes the mistake of begging for his life, and not answering the second question. So he loses a finger, and keeps begging, then Serena oopsies and hacks off his whole hand. The games continue, but instead of sharing with us, the movie fades to black and a gunshot, so make your assumptions.

Later, back home, the couple are having a nice home cooked meal, when Walt suggests they go out and celebrate, with a bit more murder.

We cut to June and Ward, I shit you not, arguing over who's going to deal with their crying baby, when there's a knock at the door. It's Walt, saying there was an accident, someone's hurt, can they please use their phone? Dude, shoulda dressed as Santa, then they would've let you in.

They come inside dressed as a priest and a nun, because Serena has a thing for priests, on top of all her other kinks, and they make short work of the family. And blow the kid up with the shotgun when it's cries catch them by surprise.

Later, Walt is trying to enjoy a quiet moment of contemplation, but Serena likes to unwind with music and dancing. Their personalities clash, Walt wants to take a break, killing people every night is asking for trouble, but Serena likes killing.

He then makes the mistake of calling her a nutjob, so she storms off angry. They go their separate ways to blow off some steam.

Serena picks up a guy at a bar, and Walt goes to the nearby video store, and gets sucked in by the trio working there, in a very random scene.

The whole thing at the video store...they lock Walt inside, and there's a brief moment where you might think, oh no, he's found more trouble, but no, it's just a coked up manager and her two friends, who want Walt to hang around and chat. So he does. Because killing time instead of people..

Meanwhile, Serena brings the guy she met back to the house, and he offers to make them both a pair of drinks, without supervision. And surprise surprise, he drugs Serena's glass so he can have his way with her. Can you blame me for thinking everyone in this movie is a murderer?

Back with the video store trio, they're messing around with a Ouija board, and eventually Walt steers the conversation to talking about death, specifically how they would die if they could choose.

Serena's drugging is just starting to kick in, and she starts seeing her one night stand's face swirl with a bad computer effect.

Uh oh, Serena brought home a Spyral agent.

After Chris rants about his issues, Serena is succumbing to the drugs, but instead of being knocked out, she’s a bit crazed and dangerous and more violent than usual.

She leans in like she's going to give him a blowjob, which Chris is ALL in favour of, but instead, she bites right through and tears off his dick.

If I had a quarter for every time someone in these movies bit off a guy's dick instead of giving him a BJ...well, I'd have two quarters. Which isn't a lot, but weird it happened twice!

After the video store trio share their death dreams with Walt, they turn their attention to him, but he says he won't die. Because unlike them, he chooses to not be a victim. I don’t think that’s how anything works, but hey, it’s your movie. He then proceeds to murder the lot of them, including by doing Joker's disappearing pencil magic trick on Boog a decade before the Dark Knight ever did.

Walt returns home, and Serena rushes into his arms, saying she doesn't want to fight anymore, and tells him about her night. She cleans herself up and he gets to disposing of the body. Walt has a bit of a glitch finding the penis, but Serena lets him know it's clogging the garbage disposal.

After they get the telltale bloodstains off everything, the couple are laying in bed, and Serena thinks they should go kill someone else, just one more, just one! Damn girl.

The dangers of doing makeup tutorials off Youtube.

So they go out to find a jogger Walt sees every day, and under the guise of more sex games, they lure him to a warehouse to do the deed, before finally laying low for a bit.

Unfortunately, things go horribly wrong, since this is the end of the movie.

Serena wastes no time, and pounces the victim before Walt is ready. She then clocks Walt with a tire iron, and Walt fights back. The pair scuffle a bit, and ultimately he stabs her in the stomach. Oh, the irony.

He may be Dead, but I don’t think he’s Grateful.

Actually, I hope you have an irony deficiency in your diet, because you are about to get your fill, folks.

Serena manages to crawl away, and get her hands on a gun she secreted away here, and shoot Walt several times

It is then revealed that it wasn't Serena's friend that Butch killed, but her mother, which was alluded to by Rupert. She was also attacked, but survived, nodding back to her questioning Walt about how if he ever thought a victim was dead, but maybe they survived.

This was all a game to get close to her attempted killer, and show him what he turned her into, made her into his own undoing, etc etc. But oh, there's one more little twist.

You might have noticed, I always call Walt, Walt. I have barely ever mentioned he's Butch Harlow. And there is a reason for that...

Walt is not Butch. He thought the weird girl coming to his house was hot, so he played along, and look where it got everyone.

The couple who slays together, stays together.

Oh the big irony of "I never murdered anyone before you" with actual Butch's actual signature of "I've killed before". Which reminds me...

This twist? It makes ZERO SENSE and nothing in the opening scene is brought back up. The actual Butch Harlow is still on the loose, the cops investigating NEVER appear again, the family is never mentioned... Not to mention how this doesn't make a lick of sense with all the claims Walter made about his house. Did he REALLY have special locks and windows, if not, it's a good thing Serena didn't test them out more, and if so...why would he have those? How did she connect Walt to Butch in the first place?

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s not great, but it’s about what you’d expect from a shot on video low budget thing. We’ve had much worse.

Audio: A nice average level of sound. Nothing special, but everything is there.

Sound Bite: “I'm a serial killer, but even I'm not THAT big of a piece of shit."

Body Count: This movie came with a decent amount of bodies, especially for just two people doing all the killing.

0 - The Milhouse family died before the movie began

1 - 26 minutes in, and Bobby Jo finally gets her head bashed in after a couple botched stabbings.

2 - Walt shoots Rupert in the head after This Little Piggy goes wrong.

3 - Serena bashes Ward's brains in

4 - And then she throws a knife into June's back.

5 - Baby Beaver gets shotgunned by Walt

6 - Serena bites off Chris's dick and bashes his head in.

7 - Boog learns a magic trick.

8 - Walter bashes in Lori's face

9 - And then he grants Patti's wish

10 - The jogger crawls off to die.

11 - Walt dies from his gunshot wounds

12 - Serena dies from stabby and head bashing

Best Corpse: Oh y’all are gonna hate me for this. The exploded baby. The shot comes out of nowhere, and it’s an exploding ball of blood that goes everywhere. Glorious. If you want me to pick something less questionable, tearing off Chuck’s dick is nicely meaty and bloody.

Blood Type - A: There’s a bunch of good effects and gushes of blood, and again, a giant blood bag of a baby.

Sex Appeal: I think there was nothing of note.

Drink Up! every time they break one of Walt’s rules.

Movie Review: I…actually kinda loved this? Yes, there are some HUGE plot problems, but those all come about because of the final twist (And you could argue that twist helps explain the lazy attitude towards the rules, because Walt is making this ALL up as he goes) and until we get that twist, this is just such a fun movie. The leads have good chemistry, and you actually start rooting for them. Walt has a great sense of humour, and keeps things light. In other hands, this same idea would be a dark, dark movie, but this is a black comedy at best. And I just had such a good time with it. They have some fun cinematography you don’t often see in films like this, the plot isn’t the most unique, but you don’t see it very often. I have so much fun with the rest of the movie, that the final twist not working once you stop and go “Heeey” doesn’t even bother me. There’s a few slow parts, like the video store, but even those at least have some lively characters, and the leads keep the energy high. Four out of five empty makeup cases.

Entertainment Value: I don’t have too much more to add here that I haven’t said already, other than to underline this movie’s sense of humour. There’s a lot of jokes, Walt’s constantly delivering some great lines, and I really didn’t speak enough about the snarky attitude of the movie, because I wanted to get through the plot and make my own jokes. The movie does a good job of balancing the darker aspects with the humour, so one never overtakes the other, to the point of it being too dark, or a flat out comedy. It’s tongue is firmly planted in cheek, and they know it. I enjoy this movie more every time I watch it. Five out of five 12 gauge root canals.