Seedpeople (1992) — Triskaidekafiles

SEEDPEOPLE

WRITERS: Screenplay by Jackson Barr
Based on an original idea by Charles Band

DIRECTOR: Peter Manoogian

STARRING: Sam Hennings as Tom Baines
Andrea Roth as Heidi Tucker
Dane Witherspoon as Brad Yates
Holly Fields as Kim Tucker
Anne Betancourt as Mrs. Santiago
John Mooney as Frank Tucker
Charles Bouvier as Thurman Rudd
Bernard Kates as Doc Roller

QUICK CUT: A scientist returns to his home town to discover the true meaning of love, guided by the stars.

THE MORGUE

Tom - A scientist investigating rogue meteorites in the small town of Comet Valley. He’s a nice guy, smart, and determined to get to the bottom of things.

Heidi - Tom’s high school sweetheart, and owner of the B&B he’s staying in when he comes back into town. Fiesty, and dealing with helping to raise her niece after her sister passed away.

Frank - Heidi’s brother, and father of Kim. A good dad, but also just wants his kid to be normal after his wife died.

Kim - Supposedly a thirteen year old girl, with a suspicious mind and a video camera.

Doc Roller - The local kook who knows more than anyone else.

Mrs. Santiago - The Tucker’s housekeeper, who has a dark secret that only Kim has the barest inkling of.

Brad - The deputy sheriff, and Tim’s high school rival, a rivalry that continues as he is currently seeking to woo Heidi.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! So uh...this has been a month, huh? I hope we're all doing our best to stay socially distant and sheltered in place. I don't have much in the way of good vibes, but I can provide some entertainment in these trying times. Because if there's one thing I can do on my own and from home, it is watch cheesy movies and pass them on to you. And this week, we are going back to Full Moon, which I feel has been neglected of late, with an Invasion of the Body Snatchers-esque movie called Seed People.

The movie begins with our lead, struggling in a hospital bed as the doctors seek to restrain him and administer aid. An FBI agent barges in to ask some questions about what we're about to watch, and we kick into flashback mode.

So we start AGAIN as Tom is driving into Comet Valley, just as they're closing down the only way in or out of the town, so the bridge can be repaired. I’m sure that won’t be a plot point.

Tom heads to visit his friend Thurman, who found a weird meteorite he wants his science buddy to check out for him.

Meanwhile, we meet Heidi's family, her brother Frank, and niece Kim, who is the oldest looking 13 year old this side of 90210. Kim has serious trust issues with the housekeeper, who she says can read her mind, and runs away as the deputy sheriff arrives.

This sets up a love triangle with Tom, Heidi, and Brad the sheriff. They've been competing for her for years, and it continues now that Tom has returned.

Frank heads out to the orchard to make sure the trees are being properly irrigated, and he comes upon a most strange tree indeed...

So naturally, Frank pokes it with a stick. This has dire consequences, as the plant spews goo all over him, sealing him up in a thick layer of The Stuff, until a creature bursts forth from the remains.

And I'm not talking Alien Xenomorph chestburster type little critter, this is a full blown thing that tears out.

Frank's car phone starts ringing, and the creature hurries over as fast as it can on no legs, until it has assumed the form of Frank to answer the call.

The first male scientist to discover the g-spot.

Back with Tom and Thurman, they check out some cave paintings depicting the fall of a meteorite, that most people have believed was a comet, hence the name of the town.

Outside, Kim is trying to record proof of the housekeeper's weirdness, but she gets spooked by a strange creature, much like the one that Frankbursted.

She rushes inside calling for her aunt, as it rolls after her and uh, it's uh...we're just doing Critters now, huh?

Back at the orchard, which must be in Gotham because it is always nighttime there, Thurman and a pal show up to look for Frank.

It does not go well, as the weird plant spews pollen over the guy who never got a name. Funny how that happens.

Thurman leaves his friend for dead, and runs off, while Tom continues to narrate to FBI Agent Exposition.

Elsewhere, Tom is giving a presentation on comets and meteorites to the townsfolk, and Doc Roller, the local town joke and occasional drunk, is trying to get somewhere, as someone tries to drive him off the road.

Thurman tries to flag down the cars, but gets run over instead. What a waste of a character.

After the presentation, Tom is pulled aside by another farmer, who dug up a strange rock, and they bring it over to Thurman's to run some tests on it.

You have discovered the world’s largest pistachio.

Doc heads to the substation to...get electricity, I guess, and outfits himself in fluorescent tubes. Deputy Fraser shows up to stop him, but the old coot pushes past and runs off.

Which just leads to Fraser being pounced on by some of the critters and eaten. He shoulda brought Deifenbaker with him.

Back in town, Brad shows up to announce Thurman was run over, and he knows Roller did it because of some evidence at the scene. Frank monotonely intones that he shall check it out and needs no help from the useless humans

Later, Tom has a brief encounter with the housekeeper in her true form, but he's not sure if what he saw was real, or if anyone would even believe him.

He heads back to poke the rock with a stick, when Rock 'n' Roller shows up to threaten Tom with a gun, and to see if he's real or not.

Doc rants about the rock, revealing he believes it is plant based, testa, and where there are testa, there are seeds. Hmm, sounds familiar.

Brad shows up to ask Roller questions, and get into a dick waving contest. Because he COULD just be all, hey, sure, let's talk rationally, but because he has to prove himself to be the manliest man to ever man, and goes into the shed with his gun out and ready to use.

We wander around looking for Doc for a bit since he escaped when no one was looking, and we set up a few barrels of Chekov's pesticide to be used later.

At Doc's lab, Tom finds another seedeorite, and starts to dissect it, while Kim sees stuff out on the woods to go and chase.

Kim finds a bunch of people in the woods digging something up, but is soon found by her father who turns into a Sproutling and rolls after her.

She runs away, as you do in these situations, and ends up on the road just as her aunt and Tom are driving by to try and find her. And DAMN she bounces RIGHT off the side of the truck!

The camera also gets ruined in the collision, so oh gosh, there's no evidence, but uhhh...the tape should still be salvagable? I mean, largely? I'm sure I could do it.

And as if he heard me, Tom wakes up in the middle of the night to mess with the camera. He actually manages to get something workable, but there's enough images there that they see something, and it matches the creatures in Doc's journal.

Tom finds Roller resting up at the caves, and wisely disarms him before waking him up. Better safe than dead.

Doc explains the lights hurt the creatures, but he still suspects Tom of being one of them, saying "Let's see if you bleed chlorophyll!" and shoots Tom with the fortunately unloaded weapon.

Tom doesn't really see how dangerous plants can be, since they're rooted, and just tell that to a fly, but I digress. Doc explains how seeds travel however, and what they're deal with is seeds, 'sown on the winds of the universe'.

And uh...I hate to admit it, but the science is pretty sound, some believe this may be how life came to Earth in the first place, and it's a solid concept for a movie.

The go to retrieve the women, and find the Seedpeeps are there already, and bring them under their thrall.

Our hero lets them drive off, and the FBI agent interrogating Tom asks why not just stop them. His defense is, you can't kill a cactus with a bullet! Well, sure, not with that attitude.

Instead, they follow the infected until they find them digging up more seeds, and not just more seeds, but a giant cone of seeds, with which they can spread across the world.

They head off to plan and gather supplies, since the only way out of town is well, the only way out. They set up lights and herbicides to take out as many as possible along the roads.

They found a giant chocolate chip cookie!!

Before they can get set up though, the minions show up at Doc's lab. They gather some supplies of their own, while our heroes watch.

Tom says they see us, but they're not doing anything. And sure, confirms the doc. They see us, but they think we're irrelevant.

Before they can take the seed though, the UV light cures them of their mind control, so that was convenient.

So those two drive up to the excavation and play mindless since no one knows they're not part of the Plantborgs anymore.

But the plan goes awry when the Seedlings don't want to go by the substation where the trap is set. Well, Brad is having none of that and takes the truck where they want it to go.

The horde of Seedlings follow, and all very conveniently stand in the center of the very obvious UV death trap, so Tom can turn it on.

So the blast of UV light frees most everyone, save for the housekeeper, who is probably seedling zero, and she tries to steal the truck back and continue with their nefarious plan.

Tom hops in the back, hacking into several gas cans conveniently back there, and then leaves a flare, so the whole thing can go boom.

And that catches us up to the current time in the hospital and look, just gonna cut to the chase, and say that everyone is taken over by plants, and Tom did not succeed. They just wanted to know what happened to everyone and there's no loose ends to ruin their schemes.

Keep watching the orchards!!

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Adequate enough, for a ripped from VHS copy.

Audio: Same.

Sound Bite: Oh holy shit one of the local yokels blurts out what may be the single best thing I’ve heard since Yaknawpatawpah. “What in the ding dong heck-a-ma-doodle hell is that??”

Body Count: A sad few deaths this time around…

1 - Frank gets gooed and replaced about 12 minutes in.
2 - A local get pollened to death.
3 - Doc runs Thurman over while getting run off the road.
4 - Fraser the deputy gets mauled.
5 - Farmer gets eaten

Best Corpse: But they’re all pretty good! It’s hard to choose. I think I have go go with Frank’s death though, since it’s graphic and sticky.

Blood Type - D: No blood to speak of, but a few good moments of good, and the creatures aren’t half bad.

Sex Appeal: Not a thing.

Drink Up! every time one of the creatures rolls by.

Movie Review: This is precisely the sort of thing I want from a Full Moon movie. A decent enough idea. Decent enough acting, and a well made movie. It is exactly what it set out to be. And the story behind it all actually works. It doesn’t set the world on fire, but it does what it does. Servicable is the best word for it, and that ain’t bad. Three out of five muff trees.

Entertaiment Value: There’s nothing truly THAT bad that makes you shake your head or laugh or befuddle you though. It’s a perfectly fine movie, but there’s no so bad it’s good quality to it. The closest we come is some of the design choices of that space tree. Still, nothing wrong, just nothing to really hold me here. Two out of five giant pistachios.