Worst Movie Ever (2011) — Triskaidekafiles

WORST MOVIE EVER

WRITER: Glenn Berggoetz

DIRECTOR: Glenn Berggoetz

STARRING: Glenn Berggoetz as Johnny, Dr. Lars Coolman, Petey
Eileen Barker as Laduelia
Stuart Goldstein as Bobby
Haidyn Harvey as Erica
Bryce Foster as Brent
Christopher Irvin as Dr. Dirk Ramrod
Christine Mascolo as Angela
Kasha Fauscett as Kristin
Jeff Johnson as The Dark Overlord
Jonathan Jorgenson as Santa Claus
Carla Cannalte as Debbie

QUICK CUT: A community is brought together during trying times as they shelter in place to ride out an impending disaster.

THE MORGUE

Johnny - A young man who just wishes his mom would get off his back and cut him some slack.

Petey - Johnny’s twin brother, with mental difficulties, and a penchant for getting into trouble.

Bobby - The best friend of Johnny, with a huge crush on Debbie.

Dr.s Ramrod and Coolman - The front line for invading alien threats, and always ready to jump into the fray. Unless they’d rather wait.

Laduelia - The local soul sucker in the neighbourhood. …What, don’t you have one?

Angela - Laduelia’s favourite minion, and in love with Petey.

Boltar - A robot alien bent on destruction. But with a heart of titanium.

The Dark Overlord - The man behind Boltar, and aluminum enthusiast.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! It's April Fool's Day, and to celebrate, I thought it was time to culminate this decade-long journey of seeking out the worst movies ever, and watch the actual Worst Movie Ever! No seriously. The title of the movie is literally "Worst Movie Ever." I cannot wait to see if this movie lives down to its claim, because we have seen some shit around here.

The movie opening with credits running over hilariously bad, yet charming! CGI of a robot piloting a UFO on its way to Earth is...actually rather endearing to me. I definitely know what I am in for instantly. And yet, have NO IDEA what is to come.

After that stunning display, we reach Earth, as young troubled teens Johnny and Bobby wander home from school, wondering what they're gonna do today. Hey kids, get ready to stop a robot invasion!

Once they decide to head to Johnny's house to watch tv, we jump over to Doctors Ramrod and Coolman, the first to see the invasion coming. And their plan is...sit and wait, because the aliens won't see that coming!!

We then bounce over to struggling couple Brent and Erica, as they have a bit of a squabble. They settle things for now, and then it's back to the kids being hassled by Johnny's mom.

So they head upstairs to sulk and moan about how hard kids have it, and uh, okay, something feels off here...

So much for the "oldest 13 year old this side of 90210” we had last review.

Yeah, the kids are being played CLEARLY by adults, with zero attempt to hide it. In fact, I appreciate that they freakiun’ lean into it, with Bobby complaining about his hip. It's silly, surreal, and you know what? I love it.

Oh, and the couple, Brent and Erica? Played by kids. I should not be as amused by this role reversal as I am. Also, these two kids? ARE PRETTY GOOD ACTORS.

We then meet Johnny's mentally challenged brother Petey, and this is where the movie kinda loses me. He's too much the butt of jokes, but I'm sure I'll talk about him more as we go along.

But then it's...SUDDEN MUSICAL NUMBER! because parents just don't understand...er, parents don't get us, no they don't.

And yes, Bobby got an upgrade for dancing and singing.

Suddenly, there's a girl running down the street, before we next meet Angela and her vampire mistress Laduelia. Because sure, let's just bring vampires into this. Okay fine, "soul taker" but it's a fine line.

Just who Laduelia will feed on is soon answered when she spies Petey, amidst bouncing around all the other characters we have met thus far.

After a few more musical numbers, Boltar the Robot-Alien finally arrives on Earth to get the destruction going. The scientists see him first, and rush out to raise the alarm.

Johnny and Bobby get fed up with his mom bothering them, so sit outside for a bit, wishing that a crazed robot would come along and shoot her. Well...wish granted! Kinda. Well, you get a killer robot.

Unfortunately, his victim is Bobby and not Johnny's mom.

There is SO MUCH little minutiae that the movies does wrong, on purpose, that I am so glossing over. There is a terribly comped shot of Debbie, the girl interested in Bobby, at the door. Doctor Ramrod brandishes a knife to go after Boltar...and then immediately sets it down before leaving. I notice a new bit of silliness every time I have watched the movie. I can't share every little bit, because we'd be here forever.

Finally, Duella Dent and her minion catch up with Petey, and she drains his soul. Much to Angela's sadness, since she seems to have a thing for the kid.

But oh, lest I forget, Santa suddenly appears in a cutaway to another location, urging Laduelia to not do it. Because again...WHY NOT.

Angela takes pity on him, and sneezes her own soul up his nose to bring him back to life, with some unforeseen consequences.

This is how the coronavirus is actually being spread.

The girl collapses to the floor, and that's just what you get for not ending your song in jazz hands, Angela!!

Ramrod and Coolman arrive and walk over Bobby's body, as Debbie continues to shout NOOOOO for the rest of the movie.

They ask Johnny's mom if Boltar has been here, and they await for his eventual return.

**just…just HOWLS with laughter at the cheap comping in of Bobby’s corpse**

Meanwhile, Boltar stops and sings a song about why must he kill. Don't feel bad, Boltar. It's the most interesting thing in this movie.

The scientists and Johnny try to come up with a plan to defeat Boltar, and they settle on...killing him. My god, that's so simple it JUST MIGHT WORK!

Until Ramrod leaps out the door with his knife, and gets blasted to dust by Boltar. Oh well. He gets ready to kill Coolman too, but Santa urges him to stay his hand. Advice which he ignores, and murders the other scientist dead.

Petey finally returns home, wearing a dress, and everyone wonders gosh, what's up with him? before the Dark Overlord arrives, and everyone screams off camera. It's such a momentous event, even the Running Gag stops to scream.

Johnny and his mom try and come up with a plan, deciding to gather the entire town, and Bobby runs in to help with the effort. Uh. Are we just not gonna address this? Okay.

After Boltar needlessly blasts away a planet, Santa tries to sing a song about what's going on, but even this movie is done with itself, and cuts away midlyrics.

Meanwhile, Petey arrives at Laduelia's and we learn that Angela's soul is now in his body, and I guess they're some sort of amalgamated being.

Boltar finally comes across the Running Gag and puts a stop to that, with congratulations from the Dark Overlord. Which leads into the song "Kill 'Em All Boltar" which I sure hope he gets down to.

He shows up at Johnny's, and tries shooting at them. For some reason, the gun bounces off the side of the house, so I guess we're gonna be social distancing until the Boltar crisis ends.

While sitting around waiting for the movie to decide what to do, we get a weird sequence, and I'm not sure if its fantasy or flashback, to Erica having a romance with Boltar, that ends in her rejecting him. And I guess now he's back for revenge?

Peteangela finally forces the issue, when he gets fed up listening to Laduelia's life story, and bolts outside, right into Boltar's line of fire.

Boltar stays his hand briefly upon seeing his former love, giving Petey enough time to have a weird dream sequence where he races across the US on a scooter because, WHY NOT.

He crashes the bike, but is brought back by the combined magical might of Jesus and Abraham Lincoln and...I don't even know anymore, folks.

Now that we're out of fantasy land, the gang tries to reason with the robot alien, and he is having none of it. He blasts away at Petey, but has the combined aim of a stormtrooper and Cobra minion.

Debbie rushes up out of nowhere and save the day by judo chopping Boltar in the neck, and the Dark Overlord decides to end his campaign of terror

And we end the movie with a surprise proposal from Bobby to Debbie. Well, at least she didn't say NOOOO!

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Pretty good looking, but it better be for 2011.

Audio: Sounds pretty good, really.

Sound Bite: “We need to come up with a plan to defeat Boltar!" "What if we...*killed* him?" "That just might work!”

Body Count: Not too bad, not great, but a decent amount.1 - 26 minutes in and Bobby is blasted by Boltar
2 - Petey gets his soul sucked for a few minutes.
3 - Until Angela sacrifices her soul to bring him back.
4 - Ramrod gets blasted
5 - And then Dr. Coolman
6 - Running girl dies at Boltar's hands
7 - Petey dies AGAIN briefly when he crashes his bike
8 - Debbie judo chops Boltar dead.

Best Corpse: Poor Bobby, comped too soon…

Blood Type - F-: Not a drop, and I am not giving credit to cheap CGI nor to green spit!

Sex Appeal: None!

Drink Up! every time they break into song
Finish your drink if a song doesn't end in jazz hands.

Movie Review: Okay, movie past all the deliberately silliness, let’s get to the plot. It’s absurd. And that makes it hard to properly give a review to. This movie is a trainwreck, on purpose, and at the end of the day, the plot both does not make sense, and somehow makes more sense than it should. The acting is deliberately hammy. It’s silly and weird and easy enough to follow at least. But from an objective stance of quality, I can’t go much higher than two out of five glasses of fine Kool Aid

Entertainment Value: For the MOST part, this is wonderfully silly, keeps through stuff at the wall to see what sticks, and you are waiting to see just what is going to come next. Will there be bad compositing? Will there be a silly CGI robot? DID YOU SEE SANTA COMING?? You did NOT, admit it you LIAR. It DOES get a little too cringey with some of its running jokes, and you want to say get ON with it already, and I suspect that’s half the point. The musical numbers are half entrancing and half silly. Some of the bits have not aged well. But if you don’t mind a little second hand embarassment, and want to see something made with love that makes you question what is going on, well…it could be worse. Overall I had fun with the movie, in a fascinated kind of way. Three out of five jazz hands

But now I must answer the question you are all here for; is The Worst Movie Ever…the worst movie ever? Well, after 337 Triskings, through which I have suffered mightily, I can equivocally say NO. It is NOT the worst movie ever. But boy howdy does it come CLOSE. HOWEVER. This movie is CLEARLY made with love, and it is EXACTLY the movie they set out to make, or at least that’s the impression I get. And on that basis alone, I can’t hate it, nor can I call it the worst, because it set out to achieve it’s goal. Whatever in the name of Boltar that might be. So the quest continues…