Hard Rock Zombies (1984) — Triskaidekafiles

HARD ROCK ZOMBIES

WRITERS: Kirshna Shah & David Ball

DIRECTOR: Kirshna Shah

STARRING: E.J. Curcio as Jessie

Geno Andrews as Tommy

Sam Mann as Chuck

Mick Manz as Robby

Lisa Toothman as Elsa

Jennifer Coe as Cassie

Ted Wells as Ron

QUICK CUT: An up and coming rock star meets a sweet young girl, and his life changes forever.

THE MORGUE

Jessie - The lead singer of a new rock band. He doesn’t have much interest in fans, until he meets one sweet girl.

Cassie - Jessie’s love interest. A shy, quiet small town girl, who tries to protect the band from their fate. She’s neat.

Chuck - The drummer for the band, and the only one with a notable personality. He’s the loudmouth in your face character.

Ron - The band’s long suffering manager. He gets frustrated by them, but is doing his best. He’ll go along with most ideas, just to keep things going.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! The time has come around again for our annual hard rock horror movie, and my continuing insistence to NOT do Black Roses, for no particular reason other than at this point I find it fuckin’ hilarious. This year's delaying tactic is, appropriately, Hard Rock Zombies. And buckle up, because this one is...hoooo.

The movie opens up with a woman trying to hitch a ride, and oh no, did I put in Chaos again? No? Okay...well, I hope this turns out better than the last time!

It does for now, and the woman takes the two guys who pick her up down to a pond for some skinny dipping, and...um...huh

…Was not expecting anything like this when I clicked play.

Yeah, so they are being watched by that trio of weirdos, the big one taking photos like this is some Texas Lamesaw Massacre, while the other two just dance around laughing.

The woman swims up to one of the guys, drowns him, and then swims her way to the other guy, wash rinse repeat.

So, I guess this DIDN'T turn out better for the guys picking up the hitchhiker in this movie.

The woman slices off one of the victims hands, and we will learn she has a whole ass collection of these things. But for now, we jump to elsewhere to meet our main characters, the band members of...I don't remember if they're ever given a name.

Anyways, they're being watched by a group of people from the next town they're going to be visiting to continue their tour. These people are your usual stuck up adults who don’t get "today's" music, and complain that this is garbage.

Oh you people will NOT be able to handle WAP in about 40 years, if this quaint rock music shocks and alarms you.

Ron, the manager, forces the band to meet with their fans and sign parts of their bodies, and take pictures, for the publicity. Jessie, the lead singer, has little interest in this circus show, and ducks out early.

In the next room, he meets Cassie, a sweet innocent girl also from their next stop on the tour of Shitsvilles, and she warns them away, because danger and a plot is waiting in town for them.

None of these warnings are heeded though, and the band travels to Gran Guignol. Jessie works on some new lyrics as they drive alon. When asked what they are, he says he found them in a book, and they're said to raise the dead. Oh for...have we learned NOTHING since Evil Dead??

As they drive, they see the hitchhiking girl, and pick her up. She offers to have them stay at her family's home, since they have lots of space, and it's better than a hotel.

Once they get there, uh, the weirdness continues. We meet the others from earlier, and then more of the girl's family. And I'm not gonna run down the whole thing except for werewolf grannie is a standout, Triskaidekafiles fan favourite Phil Fondocaro is here, and the vibe is "Addams Family meets the Texas Chainsaw Massacre"

We then have some musician shenanigans around town as the band wanders around, and the trio who disapproved of their music from earlier, disapprove some more.

Eventually, Jessie sees Cassie again, and chases after her. Oh that's not creepy. They both run into Cassie's dad. He tells Jess to get out of town while the getting is good.

The town sheriff shows up and takes issue with...something, and throws the whole band and their manager in jail. It's real flimsy, even for small town cops.

Is this a jail cell, or where they keep the chickens?

So, the band is in jail, the town council has canceled the concert, and Ron is expecting a big record exec to see the band in action, for their big chance. Things are not going well for Holy Moses (Ha! Yes, they do have a name!)

Cassie tries to help the band out with bail by tossing 37 dollars in a row into the cell, and Jessie flirts with her more through the bars. Uhhh, please stop that. I am not comfortable with any of this.

The weird family of weirdos pay the rest of the bail, and the band at least get out of jail. Meanwhile, the grandmother and grandfather of the family are having sex, while the little people watch and this movie just keeps slowly cranking up the weird like I’m a frog in a pot of water.

This is a very specific category of porn about to happen.

We head back to the mansion, and the band sets up to practice a bit before the big show. While they practice, gramps seems about as into this music as everyone else in town, and they try to get the band electrocuted.

Instead of having a very short movie, everyone survives, if a bit worse for wear, and a little singed around the edges.

We then sit through a town council meeting where the town tries to pull a Flashdance and get rock and roll music banned. And they actually succeed.

Back at the mansion, Jessie is playing his resurrection rock, and brings a tarantula back to life, as well as some of the hands in jars.

Meanwhile, Chuck the drummer takes a shower with the hitchhiking girl, and they reenact Psycho. And he's playing the part of Marion Crane. Finally, this movie is getting started.

Wait no, all my hair will clog the drain!

Not even joking, out of all the movies to find a faithful shot for shot recreation of the infamous Psycho shower scene, look no further than Hard Rock Zombies.

Werewolf granny takes out another one of the band members, and chases the other one around the house like a dog with a bone, until he self defenestrates out a window.

That just leaves Jessie, who runs into another family member, and is chased around with a weed whacker, all while trying to protect Cassie.

Jessie hands her a tape of his special song, and sends her on her way, since it's him the guy is after. He gives her instructions that if something happens, play the song for them.

It's not long before Jessie meets his end, and wow, a 40 minute long movie...oh no, wait, there's still more to go.

Ron and the sheriff have dinner with the weirdest family this side of the Hoover Dam, and the grandfather offers Ron a job, since he needs someone who can organize and get things done.

I am getting all kinds of bad vibes about this, and then...AND THEN...

Wh...I...what...it...fffff. I need a minute.

Fucking...Hitler. I...just...WHAT. When I sat down to watch my traditional hard rock horror movie, there is in no way a chance in hell I could have predicted this was coming. And again, WE ARE NOT EVEN HALF WAY THROUGH. To be fair, this is PROBABLY as batshit as the movie gets. ...Right?

Hitler breaks into broadcasts to announce his return and the rise of the fourth Reich from the ashes of the third. But that's not the only thing that's rising, as Cassie plays Jessie's song, and the zombie rock band is reborn.

Ohh the new boy band crop is almost ready to be picked.

Ron has not flat out run away screaming, and...Hitler shows him around, and gives him a look at Chekov's gas chamber. I can't believe these are phrases I am writing.

Once Hitler starts ranting in German, this THIS is finally enough to get Ron to beat feet out of there. Unfortunately, the weed whacker guy grabs him first, ties him down to a workbench, and gets ready to give him 40 whacks like he's Lizzie Borden's mom.

Fortunately, his undead bandmates show up, and Jessie gets revenge on the man who killed him. In fact, the whole band kills off the family member that took them out, and a bit more besides.

The whole zombie rock band teams up to kill Hitler (Again, a sentence I never thought I'd write) and somehow, again, this is not the end of the movie. We are barely over halfway through.

Ron rushes back to town, and meets the town council, which now suddenly includes an older jewish guy who looks like he could be Rabbi Gandalf?? What IS this movie?

And he doesn't even add much to the movie, aside from restating what has already happen, and zombies biting zombies makes more zombies, which is common practice, even by this time.

But it does at least motivate the rest of the town to take Ron's claims seriously, and they go to Hitler House to check things out.

And of course, the incredibly fascist family comes back as mixed up zombies, and I am just going to need this movie to stop.

Naturally, they pretty much eat their way through all the townsfolk who came out to investigate. And then THEY all come back as zombies. And then they kill two friends, and they kill two friends and...

Meanwhile, the band is getting ready for their concert, because the show must go on, I guess. At least the bigwig record exec has shown up, and he actually seems to dig the band, so that's a plus.

The whole town hasn't been converted yet, and the survivors are trying to come up with plans to fight back and survive.

These recording contracts are hell to get out of.

Someone comes up with the idea that these ghouls don't like heads, for...convoluted reasons of philosophy, so just go with it.

The townspeople of Gran Guignol make giant cardboard cutouts of various celebrity heads and use them to hide behind and try to sneak past the zombie hordes.

And this movie is stupid enough that it just might work. And I hate that it does.

While this and more zombie nonsense that I'm not getting into because it's really sideways from the actual whatever passes for plot, the band continues to do their concert. Although we were just told that ghouls can't speak, and I shouldn't bring logic and consistency into this at this point, huh?

More of the townsfolk keep plotting, and discover that by sacrificing a virgin, the zombies can go to sleep for 100 years or so. Someone actually has the audacity to say, "That sounds like a cheap movie!" Well, if it walks like a zombie duck…

They don't know where they are gonna find a virgin though...which is when Cassie walks in Welp.

Elsewhere, the band is driving off, because zombie autopilot, and the record exec agent is left behind to get attacked.

Ron takes back Jessie's ring from Cassie, and goes in search of his bandmates. He finds the agent, zombiefied, in the theatre. Ron doesn't realise he's talking to a zombie, and pours out his heart to the supposed agent before the truth comes out. And when it does, Ron giving the agent his honest opinion, is a good turn.

The townsfolk string up Cassie as an offering to King Zom, and Ron yells at the graves of his band, where they went after avenging the murder of Shelly Webster. Wait, is that too many references in one sentence?

Ron gets the band back together for one last gig, and they play the resurrection song and lead the zombie hordes like the Pied Piper down into Chekov's gas chamber, and that is how they kill off the zombies.

Sadly, including the band, sacrificing their afterlives to lure the rest to their dooms.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Another Vinegar Syndrome win, with a solid look to it. There’s a few moments where they added some cut footage back in, from lesser sources, but they did their best. It’s tough taking points away for something they can’t control.

Audio: Sounds good, and is always a plus with the music in these movies. Not the best songs, but they’re not bad either.

Sound Bite: “This sounds like a cheap movie!" "This whole DAY has been like a cheap movie." You said it, not me…

Body Count: When you have characters who live and die and live again, you sure can pack in a lot of death. And I am sure I missed a few, especially during the massacre on main street.

1 - The hitchhiker kills our first victim in the pond, about three minutes in

2 - Then she gets her second victim.

3 - One of the band members gets Psychoed in the shower.

4 - Grandma werewolf killes another

5 - And another jumps out the window

6 - Jessie gets whacked

7 - Zombie Jessie kills the axeman

8 - Werewolf granny gets killed next

9 - And the Cameraman

10 - Then the blonde

11 - The hard rock zombies kill Hitler

12 and 13 - Then they kill the two little people

14 - Eva Braun the werewolf zombie kills a townsfolk

15 - Zombie Hitler kills another one

16 - Another guy gets choked by the severed hand

17 - Zombie axeman kills another

19 - Zombie hitchhiker eats a cop

20 - Phil Zombicaro beheads a man

21 - Zombies kill a janitor

22 - Another townsperson gets eaten

23 - And another

24 - And another

25 - And yet another

26 - And I think one or two more

27 - And then the guy who came up with the heads plan gets eaten

28 - The zombies eat the agent

29 - All you zombies die in the gas chamber

Best Corpse: All the deaths are pretty samey, because bitey zombies, but the one where Jessie kills the weed whacking axeman with a spike through his mouth is pretty good, and has a nice payoff when he comes back.

Blood Type - C+: Not a lot of blood, not a lot of effects, and the zombie makeup is mostly just caked on makeup to change their pallor. Nice enough, but nothing too of note. Oh! Aside from this one dude’s head that gets ripped off and drips everywhere.

Sex Appeal: Shower scene, and the boys are shirtless frequently.

Drink Up! Every time there’s a musical bit.

Movie Review: What an absolutely wild ride. I can’t quite say this is a good movie, obviously. The plot is a mess, and goes all over the place. There are scenes that are just there to fill run time, or add gore, or laughs. It’s at least more coherent than some of our other movies here, and I do actually like the acting. The band has some good chemistry (or lack thereof leading to conflict), and the dude playing Hitler jumps in with his whole chest. A decent enough three out of five severed hands.

Entertainment Value: It’s been a WHILE since a movie has come along like this that caught me so off guard, and more than once during the movie! You expect certain things from a movie called Hard Rock Zombies, and while it delivers, it very quickly establishes that there is more this movie has to bring to the table. And it keeps adding more courses. I seriously wish I could have captured my reaction when Hitler showed up. I’m still just gobsmacked by it. I am delighted a movie this gleefully dumb and fun exists. Four out of five giant cardboard heads. And it woulda been a five if the movie was a bit more focused.

I will also leave y’all with a bonus screenshot, since I couldn’t get a good enough image of Granny Wolf after the reveal, and the joke kinda ruins the big surprise.