Santa Claws (1996) — Triskaidekafiles

SANTA CLAWS

WRITER: John A. Russo

DIRECTOR: John A. Russo

STARRING: Debbie Rochon as Raven Quinn

Grant Kramer as Wayne

John Mowod as Eric Quinn

Karl Hardman as Bruce Brunswick

Marilyn Eastman as Mrs. Quinn

Julie Wallace as Peggy Quinn

Savannah Calhoun as Savannah Quinn

Dawn Michelucci as Angela Quinn

QUICK CUT: Martial problems plague Raven and husband Eric, as they try and work through their problems, and the neighbour tries to get in good with Raven.

THE MORGUE

Raven - A young woman, wife, and mother, oh and she is an erotic film star and scream queen. But she is not what one might expect. She’s smart, caring, and just wants to provide for her family, and live life on her own terms.

Eric - Raven’s husband, a photographer in the same business, and while he loves his wife, he has begun to stray, and is toying with an affair.

Wayne - A man obsessed with Raven who had a bad, life altering, formative experience one Christmas years ago, and it haunts him to this day.

This looks like the opening title to a Hallmark Christmas movie

TRISK ANALYSIS: Merry Triskmas! I hope everyone had a nice holiday, and you are enjoying Boxing Day, or whatever day this may be as you read this. For this year's Christmas horror movie, I decided to go with Santa Claws, and no that's not a typo. I'd been aware of this movie for quite awhile, but knew not much beyond the title, and that it's a horror/slasher. But hey, it has to be less diabolical than last year's Slaughter Claus...right?

The movie opens up with young Wayne being drugged by his uncle on Christmas eve, so Uncle Bob could shag Wayne's mom without being disturbed.

Unfortunately, Wayne wakes up early, sneaks upstairs, and catches mom and uncle Bob in the middle of having sex.

Wayne gets a gun from the nightstand, and shoots both of them in the fields where they lay, leaving both of them deader than Frosty in a heatwave.

The cops show up, take Wayne away, and one of them sums up everything we just saw, like we didn't just see it, while also adding that they'll have to let him go when he turns 18, and this will happen all over again. Naaah.

They also add in that this is the "Same old story..." Yeah, sure, and we called it Silent Night Deadly Night!

We jump ahead to the present, and meet Raven Quinn, a former zoologist and current adult video star. I guess we know which one pays better.

Next, we meet grown up Wayne and see he is Raven’s neighbour. Once inside, he unpacks his just purchased Raven Quinn bust, and it's very clear from go that he is absolutely obsessed with her. Ahh, yes, he seems fine. .

And....now that we've met Raven, they pretty much just have her going around, meeting characters - mostly the other girls making the Scream Queens Naked Christmas video so you know the upcoming canon fodder - and her family, and just milling about doing normal every day stuff. It's a bit before we get back to the actual plot, so I'm gonna try and skim the first half of this movie as best I can.

We do learn that Raven is married, but they're having trouble. Not for the reasons you might suspect, since the husband is a photographer in the same business. They also have a pair of kids, and it's a weird juxtaposition to have this family drama next to a movie about the adult film industry.

They at least keep things from being too boring by dribbling in moments of Wayne being awkward or ranting to his Raven bust after he helps Raven take care of her kids, and offers to babysit them when she goes out the next night. It's a good way to keep things moving, and remind the audience that there's more to this.

Wayne gets to hear about the Scream Queen's Naked Christmas video being shot, and he hates Raven's career almost as much as her husband's family does. He also doesn't want her seeing the producer, thinking it's a date. So he sneaks into the studio, and kills one of the other girls since he doesn't want anyone else taking Raven's spotlihgt, using a prop from one of Raven's sleazy horror movies.

Hey, that could've sold for big bucks on eBay when it's invented in a few more years!

Wayne then goes after the producer, dressed up as and claiming to be the Hooded Claw, and isn't this supposed to be about Christmas and Santa? This movie only has a passing relationship with Christmas. The porn video has more to do with Christmas!

I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.

Bruce the producer manages to get a gun, and tries shooting Wayne with it. He shouts out that Bruce can't kill him, he created him! And I want to shout out how that's not how any of this works, but Wayne is doing a pretty good job of not dying. Which we will find out shortly is because of a bulletproof vest.

Wayne checks in with Raven in hopes that now that he's killed her supposed date, she'll be free, and she won't go in to work. But the shoot must go on, and the director is taking over. Everyone assumes Bruce and the girl disappeared, possibly together.

But we soon find out where they really went, as Wayne drives off, digs a hole in the middle of nowhere, and the middle of winter! to ditch the bodies.

What the...who buried a metal skeleton out here??

Meanwhile, Raven reaches out to her husband while he's doing a photoshoot in a motel, and sleeping with the talent. She's willing to make compromises, and work through things, for the kids. Despite this being a slasher, and featuring adult movies and actors, this is all...weirdly charming? Adding a family element makes this all very human.

There's a bit with momma Raven and the kids out walking the dog, when they see Wayne and invite him along. And I gotta say, outdoors has way more room tone than I remember.

Later, Wayne reveals he has Bruce's keys and schedule, and will take out more of Raven's coworkers, using the schedule, saying he's "gonna be checking it twice, and he'll be deciding who's naughty and who's nice." Wow, 45 minutes in, and the Christmas connection finally arrives.

Oh that kid has the dead eyed stare of a coffee addict already.

So, Raven goes out to do some shopping, leaving her kids with Wayne. He keeps them company, they read stories, and he makes them hot chocolate...oh no.

Now that the kids are drugged, we get more softcore action, Wayne wanders around, and eventually buys a Santa costume.

He gets all dressed up and pays one of the other girls a visit at home, and gets her to let him in because he claims to be a Santa who has gotten lost. And everyone trusts Santa, so she lets him in!

Wayne acts like she's Raven at first, throwing her on the bed. Once he realises she's not Raven, he strangles her, and then hurries back to Raven's before she gets home.

After Wayne ditches another body next to Logan's corpse, he takes the Santa costume home, spray paints it black, and gets ready for his continued murder spree.

Meanwhile, Eric is having second thoughts about his affair, and heads back home to Raven and the kids, to try and straighten things out. And get in on some of this plot.

Raven heads to the studio, leaving the kids in Wayne's care. He quickly drugs them once again, so he can cause more mischief. While the kids are abandoned, this is when Eric returns home, very confused because he's sat out most of the plot.

I see a red suit and I want to paint it black.

So, Raven is busy getting naked on camera, the kids are out like that one Christmas light that has taken out the whole string, and dad is rushing around, contacting his family, and trying to find his wife. Long story short, he will eventually figure out she's at the studio, and come rushing there, and Wayne's on his way too.

And when Wayne does show up, he's dressed in his...almost black Santa suit, the spray painting didn't go all that well, and wearing the mask of the "Hooded Claw" killer, trying to become the next slasher killer sensation.

But at least we finally are getting some holiday fear up in this movie.

Oh no! Santa has been infected with the Venom symbiote!

Wayne shows up, takes out a few people, and then comes face to face with Raven and Eric. And as a brief aside, Wayne comes off as a kinda low rent Asbestos Felt, but with better kept hair.

There's really only a few minutes left to this, and they all scuffle around the studio, until Raven gets her hands on the gardening rake, and jabs Wayne right in the heart.

Which leaves the movie to coast into an ending on Christmas morning, as the not so happy couple walk offr into the sunrise with their kids, forgetting all about daddy's little affair.

A weirdly wholesome ending for the adult film actress and the erotic photographer following a string of murders by an obsessed Fanta Claus

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It has a cheap look to it, but it’s supposed to. Aside from that, it looks good, and everything is clear.

Audio: Some nice sound to it.

Body Count: A respectable amount of carnage for a movie of this scale.

1 - Wayne shoots his Uncle Joe two minutes in

2 - And does his mom next.

3 - Wayne kills Raven's competition with a gardening tool.

4 - And then the "Hooded Claw" kills Bruce

5 - Santa Wayne strangles Mary Jane

6 - Wayne takes out the costumer with his gardening rake

7 - Then he takes out security

8 - Raven gets Wayne right in the heart. Or close enough

Best Corpse: Most of the deaths are pretty basic, and the effects are pretty simple. The best one is probably Wayne’s, since it is the climax.

Blood Type - C-: The effects are very low budget. The rake gag is done expectedly well enough. The gunshot wounds are little more than fake blood dabbed on the actors. Minimal blood and simple effects.

Sex Appeal: Hoo boy does this movie take a lot of pauses to show the ladies. And if you get the Terror Vision Blu Ray, you even get the original Scream Queens Naked Christmas video they actually produced. Which is even longer scenes of women dancing and stripping on camera, interspersed with new footage of Grant Kramer explaining the plot of the movie going on in the margins. Santa Claws is the “porno with plot” version of the Naked Christmas video, isn’t it?

Drink Up! Every time the movie grinds to a halt so a woman can grind on camera.

Movie Review: I said it before, but this really is charmingly sleazy. Sleazily charming? Cheazy? When I started learning more about the movie, after picking it for this Christmas review, I was expecting it to lean heavily into the sexploitation elements, and make no mistake; it does. However, they manage to actually weave in an okay story, and make things very human and charming. It’s a weird juxtaposition, but I think it works, and I rather liked it. It elevated the movie beyond what I expected. If I’m being honest, I was half expecting something more like what I got with the Scream Queens Naked Christmas bonus feature. Debbie Rochon gives a very good performance, especially when she’s in mom mode with the kids. Grant is creepy and weird and chews just enough scenery to be memorable. This is the sort of movie you wish had a bit more money to smooth out the rough edges, because it could really be something. I dunno if it’s because we’ve had some really bleak movies this year, or because Slaughter Claus was so dire, or maybe just the Christmas spirit, but I’ll give this a solid three out of five gardening rakes.

Entertainment Value: I wish there was a little…more here. Wayne is entertaining enough, and there’s some fun bits if spot the cameos, but this does play things fairly straight, considering what it is. A bit more variation in kills, or more notable kills, also would’ve helped. Still, an all right movie to kill some time with, three out of five Christmas strip teases.