Witch Academy (1995) — Triskaidekafiles

WITCH ACADEMY

WRITER: Screenplay by Mark Thomas McGee

DIRECTOR: Fred Olen Ray

STARRING: Robert Vaughn as The Devil

Veronica Carothers as Leslie/Becky

Ruth Corrine Collins as Darla

Suzanne Ager as Wanda Warden

Michelle Bauer as Tara

Jay Richardson as Professor Lamar

Don Dowe as Neal

Priscilla Barnes as Edith

QUICK CUT: A student struggles to get accepted by the sorority she’s pledging, and it does not go well.

THE MORGUE

Leslie - Your average, bookish, shy, quiet type. She just wants to be accepted by the ‘cool kids’ and is too blinded to realise they’re just tolerating her to make fun of her.

Wanda - The main girl of the sorority sisters. She’s a mischief maker, wicked, and mean, and will push a guy into traffic just for funsies.

Tara - The average sorority sister. She’s not as mean as Wanda, but still loves to make mischief, and probably would turn out okay without so many bad influences.

Darla - The bimbo of the triad. That’s pretty much her entire personality.

Edith - The house mom of the group, who has taught them everything they know, and the meanest of the bunch

The Devil - Charming, suave, intelligent, and with the ability to break the fourth wall.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! It's been awhile since we did a school/college/Greek society horror, and part of that is because there's only so many, and because this movie was on my radar for awhile. Witch Academy was a flick I caught on tv in the late 90s, but only bits of it. I came in late, and was watching something else, so was flipping between the two.

The name of it fell out of my memory, but the movie stuck with me, and I'd try finding it every now and then but, hey! "Witches in college" has more entries than you might expect! But recently I got Google to give me the right movie, and like...the very next week, Makeflix announced their Blu Ray, so I just had to make the time for it. And here we are. I get to revisit some faded memories, and share a nice bit of obscurity to the Trisk nation.

So the movie opens up with a 'quote' from Edgar Allan Poe's "brother" Ted, and if it doesn't set the tone for the movie, I dunno what will...actually, I'm just gonna share it.

Interspersed with the credits are scenes at the Sigma Gamma sorority house, where three of our main characters are getting ready to go to a party. And they still have a ways to go, because they only seem to be in their underwear the whole time.

Y'know what, I am just gonna get the elephant out of the room right away; this movie is shameless, and I'm not saying that as a negative. The three sorority sisters pretty much prance around the entire film in their underwear or not much more than. It's hot, it's sleazy, it is so, so very 90s. In fact, most of the female characters wander around like that, so here we are.

One of the girls hears something creeping towards the room, and a bug eyed monster in a cloak enters...but Tara was prepared for this surprise attack, and had an electric bug zapper installed that fries the creature!

At least, it would have if Wanda, the witch under the wardrobe, hadn't seen THAT coming, and wore the suit to insulate her from the electricity. See, these girls love to prank each other. Just for funsies!

Following that, the phone rings, and Wanda lets Tara know that she "rigged the phone", and surely enough their third member won't fall for "it" a second time! Which leads to hearing an explosion go off.

This is how we're introduced to Darla, the sorority's token blonde bimbo, or as Tara hilariously described her, "an ignoranimus".

Anyways, on the NON exploded phone is Leslie Perkins, a rather nerdy pledge, who desperately wants to be in Sigma Gamma. However, the terrible trio are just stringing her along to torment her, with zero intention of ever admitting her.

Once Leslie is dealt with for the night, the ladies continue getting ready, by taking turns spanking each other with a paddle. See what I said about shameless? This is gonna break out into a pillow fight any second.

The phone rings again, and explodes again, and this time it's Wanda's boyfriend from one of the local frats. He's calling to let her know the party they've all been looking forward to is off, so they now have no plans.

Spoiler: This exploding phone running gag sure does seem like something you'd set up for later, but it is never heard of again.

Now that their evening is wide open, and loving to mess with people, Wanda calls Leslie back. She'd like her to come over to the sorority house so they can finally decide if she has what it takes to join them.

They insist Leslie wear her best outfit for the occasion...which is a very simple, frumpy, cream coloured smock of a dress. But it was all a ruse to pelt it with blueberry pies when she arrived. Darla helps Leslie clean up though...by pouring a bucket of water over her head. Kid, do you REALLY wanna join these people?

Wanda and her friends continue the hazing by mixing up an absolutely horrible concoction made from all kinds of random things found around the kitchen; mustard, hot sauce, smoked oysters, potato bug...y'know, the usual.

The girls next chain Leslie up in the basement, and tell her only a dope would've drank that mess, and it's not looking good for her chances. Sigma Gamma girls are smarter than that. So, they leave her chained to a pipe to think things over.

But that's when Robert Vaughn appears in the plot, as the Devil. And holy shit, he is acting. I love when a top shelf actor comes into an absolutely cheesy movie, and treats it exactly as seriously as any other job they'd do. That? That right there is a professional.

The Devil frees Leslie from her bondage, and introduces himself. He also lets her know that she does not have what it takes to join these girls, since she is so innocent, and thoughtful, and kind.

Meanwhile, Edith, the mentor of the three monsters upstairs, has arrived. She is not happy the nerd's car is out front, and has Tara move it before anyone can see and bring shame upon their sorority house.

Edith has taught these girls everything they know, and is much relieved when she learns that Leslie is only there to be degraded, and not a serious contender for acceptance.

And then she three stooges the girls, so again, if you have not picked up on the tone of this movie...

Does NO ONE in this movie own a normal outfit??

Back downstairs, Devaughn is convincing Leslie that the girls have no interest in her beyond being a plaything. He then uses his demon magic so she can hear them making fun of her, to drive his point home.

With how awful those girls are, I have to wonder if somewhere in the development of this movie it was originally going to be called "Bitch Academy" but that wasn't gonna fly.

Vaughn finally reveals who he is to Leslie, but she's naturally reluctant to believe. Like...where's his horns?? But ahh, gotta love cosmetic surgery. SUCH a perfectly 90s joke. He even shows her a headshot of his 'younger' days, just to prove it.

We learn that he's been looking for someone kind and innocent like Leslie, so he can corru...er, use them for his purposes. Leslie doesn't really want to help him, because y'know THE DEVIL, but he can help her.

And help her, he does.

First, the Devil gets rid of her frumpy clothes, by way of nudity (and a cheeky scene of Vaughn peeking through his fingers at her) and then gives her a brand new outfit and makeover.

Ah yes, the old “hotter without glasses” gag.

Of course, Leslie isn't stupid, this is the devil, and nothing is free. She knows he wants her soul. But oh no, souls are so overdone. He just wants her to assist him, that's all! Nothing more! He'll even say he won't take her soul in writing! In fact, she can try the new body out for a bit, to see how she likes it, no strings attached!

Upstairs, Edith is done punishing the girls, and warns them a Professor Lamar will be by later, and to be nice to him, since he's someone who protects them from the school board. Edith makes to leave, but is interrupted by Leslie, playing the part of her sister "Becky" looking for the little nerd.

Wanda makes her way down to the basement to get Leslie, but huh! She's not there! Weird, so weird!

It really is funny how just putting on a little bit of an attitude, and looking hot, instantly impresses Edith. She offers Becky a place in the sorority almost on the spot. Just goes to show you how shallow this all is.

Wanda and Edith split up to keep looking for Leslie, while "Becky" waits in the house. She starts feeling woozy and she comes to, transformed into a giant, Lovecraftian monster stalking after Edith...while still dressed in the lingerie.

I think we need to have a talk about what “no strings attached” means.

As Edith is attacked, the rest of the girls keep seeing the monster rush by, but never getting a good look at it. The terrible trio all eventually meet up, and search the house together.

They do find Leslie though, transformed back to her nerdy, spectacled self, and then realise they don't know where Edith is. They find her in the basement, chained up and dead, with a hole in her neck, seemingly drained of blood.

So the girls try to figure out what to do, suggesting the police, and that's when Robert Vaughn pops up from the corner, insisting no police, because "those scenes are boring, they tell the audience everything they already know" and then he looks right at the camera. It's...amazing.

The devil catches up with Leslie, and tries again to convince her, and after a bit more nudity, and extends her free trial, with a new costume DLC.

She complains she's under dressed. Have you seen everyone else in this movie??

Since we haven't had a good plot complication in awhile, that's when Professor Lamar shows up to talk to Edith. Or get spanked. Maybe both, with this movie.

Darla distracts the professor while the others move Edith's body around, at least until "Becky" shows up in the kitchen to seduce him since he gave Leslie some bad grades.

That is, until she transforms back into beast mode, and sucks his blood just like she did to Edith.

Also, somewhere around here, I noticed much to my delight, that the Greek letters of the sorority, Sigma Gamma, don’t look like much…until you see them from the opposite side of oh, say the pane of glass in a door, that they look a LOT like a stylised “13”.

Wanda comes downstairs and finds the body of the professor, and Leslie, once again reverted to her plain Jane persona.

Everyone gathers in the den, and suspicion falls on Becky. But Wanda thinks they have a shapeshifter amongst them, and takes everyone to the kitchen to test their blood.

This is the last movie I expected to do a riff on The Thing, but here we are

Wanda has everyone fill up five gallon buckets with blood (!!), and they recreate the heated wire testing scene, until Leslie’s blood has a nasty little thing leap out of it.

The little beastie that pops out of Leslie's blood flies through the house, and assaults Wanda's boyfriend Neal who came by.

While the sorority sisters chase after it, the Devil keeps Leslie behind. He explains to her that since they now all think Leslie is the murderer, that would leave Becky the opportunity to move around freely, and clear her name.

So he turns her into Becky once more, and she lures Neal upstairs to use his big strong hands to move the bodies into a vehicle outside.

But while he's doing that, the weretoad affliction strikes Beckslie again, and she pops up in his truck, to make him her third victim.

Wanda has the other two move Neal's body in the back with the rest, and goes to check out some flashing lights in the attic.

Once she gets up the stairs, she finds the Devil at a podium, mixing the blood together from the three victims with whatever else he might need, so he can do whatever he's up to. On the floor, is a once again unconscious Leslie, now dressed in white wedding style lingerie.

The Devil wakes up Leslie so they can perform the ritual before time runs out. He just needs her to read two little words from his magic book. Just two! So much easier than the three words of the Necronomicon!

And those two little words are, if you haven't guessed already, "I do". The Devil's power has been on the wane, but every 100 years he has the chance to get his full strength back, if he can just convince someone good, and kind, to marry him...and perform the blood sacrifice, but little details!

But, Leslie is too good, too pure, and won't do it. No matter what he offers her, she won't agree to become his bride.

Meanwhile, Wanda has been listening in, and steps up to the challenge, more than willing to marry the Devil. And despite it being pointed out she's never been good a second of her life, the spell works.

Kinda.

So the newlyweds go to their honeymoon in the lovely ninth circle of Hell, and Leslie is free and clear. Even more so because all the corpses wake up in the back of the truck. Either because they Weren't Really Dead and everyone in this movie is an idiot, or because of a, devil being defeated, they were brought back loophole

But, it does feel like the right sort of note for a lighthearted romp like this, so I can't complain TOO much.

Leslie has learned her lesson though, and let's Tara know she doesn't want to be part of their little clique, she doesn't want to be like them. She had her taste of it, and didn't like it. But, she does keep her newfound confidence, and drives off into the sunrise.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: This looks great, for a mid 90s indie flick. Everything is sharp, the colours are rich, it looks so good.

Audio: Sounds really good too. Great blu ray release.

Sound Bite: “No! No police! Police scenes are boring! They tell the audience everything they already know!"

Body Count: I know, everyone comes back to life at the end, or weren’t even dead to begin with, but I’ll note the believed deaths for what they are.

1 - 34 minutes in, and Lesbecklie eats Edith

2 - Professor Lamar is the Beckbeast's next victim

3 - And then Lizlie takes a bite out of Neal

Best Corpse: They’re all pretty much the same death, and they largely happen off camera, and we see the after effects. I’ll give the nod to Edith, since it’s the first, we see a good shot of the wound, and her smile is a nice comment on her dying happy at getting her blood sucked off.

Blood Type - C+: There’s not that much blood (not counting the vials of blood the Devil carries around),but the wounds do look pretty good, and I am giving a ton of points to Becky’s monster design.

Sex Appeal: There is no shortage of breasts in this movie, and it is not even the slightest bit coy about it.

Drink Up! every time someone says "kind, gentle, and thoughtful"

Movie Review: This movie is great, in the right mindset. It’s fun, it’s a drive in movie, it’s silly, but it KNOWS it, and leans into it. The plot is coherent, there’s plenty of humour, it’s well made…Definitely one of the better movies I’ve seen in awhile. Still, the cheekiness and shamelessness of it all, and how it’s there right out of the gate, does take me off guard. Once the plot is going, that’s a little less in your face. A fun, silly, but flawed movie. Very solid. Three out of five vials of blood.

Entertainment Value: I had a blast with this, it was so fun to revisit, and just a good time. The acting is already pretty good, before we get to the Robert Vaughn of it all. Leslie is equally good at being charming and bitchy, nerdy and flashy, and the movie never ever takes itself too seriously. If you want a silly movie in that mid 90s kinda cheesy fun popcorn movie style, there are far worse than this. I wouldn’t quite say I love this movie, but I adore it. Just a fun time. Four out of five costume changes.